SOMETIMES I CONFUSE IT ALL

Sometimes I get confused by what it all means. Information comes at me and my brain scrambles. Everything gets interpreted through the fragmentation of my heart. My heart which is not whole. Stitched back together half heartedly with lots of pieces still missing. 

I had a chance conversation with that guy from last year. I asked (thinking it would constructive for me to hear) why "her" and not "me". The answer was pretty simple. A list of all my amazing qualities followed by "I will never meet a girl like you again but I just didnt have "those" feelings for you". 

It echo'd like a whisper through a canyon...ricocheting around my the hallowed feeling in my chest. I've heard that line over and over and over again my entire life. I remember wandering out into the living room at midnight in NJ on the eve of the return to CA and my ex sat there and said the exact same thing to me. 

So I took it to therapy yesterday and of course got no where. I asked what was missing inside if me that was so unlovable. What is it about me that doesn't provoke that feeling from another? 

I just got a lot of feel good babble. He said "you have no idea how powerful you can be!?" So what does that even mean? Does being powerful mean that I'm just capable of doing it all alone? Does being powerful mean I don't need to be loved? 

I'm just getting too tired to figure it out. 

IN A WORD LOUD

My boss will be calling me in 2.5 minutes. He looks like if Wall Street and a Viking mated this would be their offspring. People mistake me for this sweet docile lamb. He and I get on the phone and it's like 2 Italian taxi drivers battling it out. We yell at each other. For no other reason than "because". It just happens. I'm the deflection board for all his stuff. People stand up in cubicles and stare...much like the way traffic slows when people pass an accident on the highway. Morbid curiosity. I fight to stand my ground and hold my own. People IM me...my laptop starts "dinging"...asking me to quiet down. 

Huh. You can't wrestle a dragon back into it's cave quietly. 

I'm just not sure I can go there today. 

THE JOURNEY

Trying to find my way. I fluctuate between lessons learned...my wounds...my hopes and giving up. I try to remind myself to repress all emotions, whether it be ups or downs. I just want to stay balanced with two feet on the ground looking forward. Centered. Not feeling. Just methodically moving forward. I don't know what's harder...fighting for hope... Or fighting not to believe. 

A GIRL OF 19

No joke - twice this week it was assumed I was very young. How young? Not old enough to drink young. 

I was out with my friend Camille for lunch - we started talking to the couple next to us. They asked if we were mother and daughter...(Camille was mortified)...the couple explained they thought I was 19 and seemed genuinely surprised to hear I was...well much older. 

On the train to from Philly to NYC the college student next to me asks "So are you headed home for the Holiday?" I panic of course because I think geez I never even put Easter presents in the mail...she notices I'm confused and says "For Passover...you headed home for Passover? So were do you go? Penn State? I go to Villanova..." I don't know which part of that conversation was more shocking....I sat stunned and silent.

I get that a lot lately...I seem young. I'm confused by the messaging. Is it the Botox? My sense of rebirth I seem to be experiencing? Or the general lack of maturity I may not be exuding these days? 

It's only adding to the life crisis. Not helping people. Just making it all that more confusing and difficult....

THE FUNNY THING

People either propel us forward or hold us back....The idealist picture in our head never matches the reality before us. We need to resist the commercial urge of fantasy and chose to live in the present. Complete authenticity and being wholey present in the now is the only way to achieve the true depth and connection our souls are seeking....

It's all an illusion...remember that. 

It's just in your head. 

ARGUMENT WITH A FROEMD TODAY

Friend: How can you not want something? 

Me: I just don't? I don't need anything from people. I've just learned to self sustain. 

Friend: But everybody has wants and needs...

Me: But I can't go through life hoping for "things" that mean nothing really...I just don't have those expectations of life...

Friend: You don't have one need? One want? If the sky was the limit? 

Me: I guess to know what it's like to be loved by someone...really truly loved. But the reality is the best we can hope for is to be loved by ourself. 

Like a deer in headlights...

WHATS PERFECT

Every now and again life throws you one of those complete moments...and when you lay in bed at night your thoughts smile...and you think "damn that was perfect.."

THE AH HA MOTHER OF A MOMENT

So I recently saw a friend of mine Greg. I've known Greg for over three years. We act like kids around each other. It's extremely annoying to people around us. We don't care. I see him we hug and then just as we are about to get silly he stops...pushes me back and says "What's going on? Something's different....OH MY GOD YOUR IN LOVE! I can see it...look at you?! It's all coming from the inside..." 

I was slack jawed and stunned because in love is the furthest thing..In fact I try to run from that these days..but then as I was examining that a thought came to me and I said "Maybe I just learned to love myself and I'm in love with me.." Then I sauntered off in quiet awe of myself. 

Look it's a struggle everyday to deal with my self loathing...but for the first time in my entire life I'm truly ok w me...maybe that's the real key to life...the place where we find true happiness....when we are able to fall compassionately in love with ourselves....

LOVE DOVES

One of my favorite noises is the a dove in the morning. I haven't heard that since I left the place my sister and I had down at the beach. It soothes my heart that sound. It deeply nourishes my soulf. And makes me oh so happy....

ITS MY BODY

The strangest thing I did not expect. As everybody knows I recently got a tattoo and am working on a second. What I did not expect was the level of personal joy this is giving me in rooting myself in my body. 

For most of my life I kind sat in this place of self loathing of my body. It was never thin enough or firm enough or shaped right or or or and the list goes on. In parallel with that is me feeling anchored on this earth. It's been a challenge for longer than I can remember. Something I've worked on for years in therapy and have made very little progress. But honestly decorating my body has strangly made me feel more connected and at home in it. It's an incredible feeling that I never counted on. 

PEOPLE SAY THE STRANGEST THINGS

And by strange I mean stupid...my car died last week in route...

AAA Operator: okay ma'am are you sure it's the battery? How do you know it's the alternator? Is there has in the vehicle? 

Me: okay first things first...I understand you are being polite but please don't call ma'am....and if the car is out of gas and you need to ask me that then someone needs to take MY license away for being that stupid. It's the alternator trust me on this I googled it.

AAA Operator: ok the tow truck will be there anytime between now and (wait for it..) two and a half hours...

And as you can imagine the conversation down spiraled from there. 

THE JOURNEY

Life continues to unfold in ways that I will not ever understand. That bums me out. A twist and turn of events and two paths cross. In the past I would have marveled at fates guiding hand...Now? Now I just do my best to ignore it. Dismiss it and move on because there's never any follow through. I'm not even trying to participate in it. *sigh. 

DID YPU REALLY JUST ASK THAT?

Sitting in my endocrine's office and the nurse is running through a list of questions:

"How would you describe your health these days?"m

"Yeeeees. How would you describe your health? You know...feeling great. Maybe under the weather..."

I just sat there. Speechless.

"Okay I'm not even sure what to say. Like I'm seriously speechless. Uh. Ah. Hmm. HOW ABOUT DEFCON FIVE!?!? I'm in an ENDOCRINES OFFICE! under the weather doesn't come close." 

Nurse is now equally stunned and we are now on equal playing ground. 

"Miss. Miss!? You look great though." 

I started to feel bad so I attempted to recoup "Look I'm sorry. My apologies. I'm sure you don't think these questions up on your own. They just pay you to go through the motions...I'm just on edge."

"I understand miss. What. Um. Hmmmm..." And she dragged out the hmmmm while her pen hovered over the paper looking at me. So I helped her out "Defcon five. Seriously you can write Defcon Five down. Tell them I made you do it if you have to. This is for real." And I looked her in the eye while I genuinely fought back tears. 

Nothing is worse than feeling defeated before the doctor even walks into the room. And defeated I was. It was just dripping down the walls of the examining room. It's like that scene in Star Wars when they are in the garbage compactor. Although I'm totally cool with being having my brains smashed in.

In enters the doctor.

"Soooo not the results I was hoping for. Even w the suppression you are still producing abnormal cortisol." 

On the inside (NO SHIT FUCKTARD!?!)

On the outside "I see. So what does that mean?"

Doctor "Well it's not a tumor so we are stumped. But I do not want to give you meds and I know you don't want meds. (Insert shoulder shrug.) Sooooo let's keep bringing you off the pill aaaannnnd hmmmmmmm. Do you exercise at all?" 

On the inside (ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?)

On the outside "I run my dog 2 miles a day and I do cross training 3 x a week and I've just added Pilates." 

Doctor "ooooooookaaaay. Hmmmm. That's goo..."

This is where I cut her off "I'm athletic to put it mildly. Have been for the last 20 years. HOW DO WE GET ME TO STOP PRODUCING CORTISOL!!!?!?! (Tears welling up in my eyes and I humbly uttered..." I am pleading with you Dr Ryan." 

Doctor "We would need to do what we are doing...ween off the pill and keep you exercising. Not much else we can do. Come back and see me in 6 months?"

"So basically  beyond medical intervention and the best I can hope for is a miracle? Seriously? We are talking true spontaneous miraculous healing? Like I need a witch doctor a minister or a Buddhist monk????" 

"Well noooooo I'm not saying thaaaat buuut....keep doing what your doing and come see me in 6 months." 

I suppressed the out right sobbing until I got to the parking lot where I trudged through the driving snow yelling and sobbing like a wild Yedi. 

So God...we need to talk. I need a miracle. And honestly I believe I deserve one. Seriously. 

SNOW AIR

There is this thing that happens before it snows. The air becomes incredibly crisp and super clean. I have no other way to explain it. We just had a few days of "warm" weather and I just walked Kirby outside and it was "snow air". 

Hear my pain?

STUMBLING TOWARD HEALING

So I'm trying. Trying so hard to become a whole and healthy person that comes from a place within my own self and not dysfunction. Some days and some weeks it's really fucking hard. I've had a few really rough weeks actually where I doubt the whole process. Moments of just giving up. 

I've had moments where the fucked up dysfunction is reflected back to me by people I care about and I realize at new depths the totality of how fucked up my parents were and how deeply damaging they were. 

My therapist as a random suggestion recommended a healing music CD that he commented on was fairly powerful. Eye roll. What ever right? So I downloaded it and I have to admit I immediately began to benefit. Even if it was just the fact that the music was lowering my cortisol reaction it was working and I needed that. So I went with it. Listened to it all day really. That night I had a miraculous moment.

I was laying in bed after meditating and praying for healing. Just sitting with the music I felt a flood of love break through in my heart, flowing out towards my ex. Ali. I liken my reflexive response to a lot like a normal human being reacts to stepping in dog shit. I seized up pulled my "foot" back and wanted to immediately get the poop off. I panicked actually. He is not a person I want in my energy field and he is not someone I want attachment with. As quickly as I felt that another thought came in. Words came to me from a book. And basically the cliff notes version is you need to love in order to truly forgive in order to truly release. Love thy enemy. However you want to digest that. So instead I let the love come through. And I did my best to send him love and forgiveness and truly wish him the best. 

I'm glad that this happened spontaneously because I don't think I could have ever orchestrated that as authentically as it happened. I'm grateful because I believe that was true spontaneous healing and release.

Although my therapist reminded me it was not spontaneous because I'm working hard. It was just a break through. 

I felt much better in the following 24 hours. I'm still chewing on other wounds. Its almost like the next would is deeper raw and fresh again. I'm hoping to achieve the same moment but I know it has to come on its own spontaneous moment. 

I can honestly say that moment of feeling love for my "enemy" gave me enormous fredome. A weight had been lifted and am energy has passed through me and been released. Loving my enemy means not carrying the grudge. The wound heals and our paths truly release. 

I highly recommend it. 

AT MY THREAHOLD

I'm at my THRESHOLD with so many things right now I could scream. Between my health my hair and the snow I could literally sell all my belongings and move to an island w Kirby. This better be the last snow fall of winter. 

I love it but honestly I'm over it. 

Now off to have a good cry. 

FROZEN

I remember my first ice storm in NJ. It was amazing. Everything was encased in ice. I drove through the forest reserve and it was like living in some animated fairy tale. It's also very dangerous because ice has a force of its own. At work yesterday a huge sheet if ice slide off the building. If anyone had been standing there they had a high likelihood of being killed. A tree branch will buckle under the weight of frozen ice and will break often times killing people. 

But from the inside looking out - its beautiful: 

 

THE GREAT PEA FAMINE OF 2014

Sooooo? Nooooo. I said snooooow. Like another 8-10 inches. 

I wandered into Trader Joes this evening because I was out of food and seriously people had ravaged the store. I was so utterly shocked "WTF? Is this Armageddon?" Slipped out before I could control myself. I figured I missed the news bulletin announcing an asteroid was about to hit the earth.  But apparently 8 inches of snow and people freak out. 

More disturbing than that was that they were out of peas. I know. Big deal you might say. But for me it is. I really have to stick to my paleo diet and it's hard. Tonight I had a moment where I suddenly had a profound level of sympathy for parents and children with peanut allergies or celiac disease etc. I wanted something simple like a scrambled egg and can't because eggs are something I'm apparently really allergic to. Who would have thought but it's an autoimmune trigger for me. Scrambled eggs with cheese and avocado is also one of my favorite meals ever. It's major comfort food for me. As a back up so is warm toast with peanut butter. But check it out I'm gluten intolerant so no bread AND are you ready for the mother of all insults? The doctor had also asked me to stay away from peanut butter. So incase I forgot to mention it I actually haven't had peanut butter in like 4 months. Now that is a HUGE deal for people that know me. Peanut butter was literally a food group and a staple in my diet for most of my life. 

I was having a moment today. So let me continue with Trader Joes. Long story short they were out of peas. No fresh peas. No frozen peas. I went to the frozen food guy and asked. He started nodding his head no before I finished my question and told me I was the 22nd person to ask. They were out. It's one of those moments were in my head I was actually trying to think of a different way to ask the question because that might get me a different answer. Yeah I hate people like that. And there I was being one of those idiots. I let out an audible noise that sounded like disparity. I asked if this was a thing. You know a pea shortage of mass levels. He suddenly took my question as more of a declaration and started speculating that "wow man maybe it IS serious".This is how rumors start. Two people in a grocery store. One is sarcastic by nature the other one has been taking hits off the whip cream cans in back and BOOM we have a pea famine on our hands. By the time I left the store the news had reached the checkout stands and I just looked surprised when the checker asked me if I'd heard there was a pea shortage. Shrugged my shoulders and said "wow who would have thought..." 

Peas are my new ice cream. My new treat. A big bowl of steamed peas with some butter and I almost forget all the good food I can't have. There I was in my kitchen literally on the verge of tears if I had to eat another piece of chicken or steak and broccoli. Literally I was going to f-r-e-a-k out people (all two of you that read this people). 

I then pulled my shit together, ate three lame pieces of bacon and some butter I mean some yams with butter and yes some mother' &$$@!) broccoli. 

And noooooow I'm watching the movie Troy and comforting myself with Brad Pitt in a lion cloth. 

BFF

GIRLIE

I saw this skirt in an Anthropology. It's something I would buy for one of my nieces. Perfect amount of girlie'ness. So I bought it for myself. Then I wore it over my jeans. 

HONESTY

Lyrics from a song by Sara Bareilles:

"Say what you want to say..." "Honesty.." "Just let the words fall out..."

SNOW.

Yeah a ton of snow. I'm laying in bed and the only noise I hear is the occasional snow plow...it's steal shovel scraping the road. This oddly comforting to me. 

AS IF MY DAY COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

I came home to frozen pipes. 

U MAKE IT SOUND SO EASY

This is the type of shit that gets me in trouble. 

I was texting with my friend Anthony this morning about my heart and him. I'm such a coward sometimes. I use to be bold and brave and loud. Not so much anymore. I got out of the elevator this morning assuming there was ZERO statistical odds that I would encounter him. He was right in front of me. He had no idea I was behind him. 

Anthony questioned why I didn't say "hi" etc. and asked what I was learning from all this. I suddenly recalled a dream I'd had the night before where this man I know said "I'm trying to hold you but you won't let me!" And I didn't want to be held because I didn't want to hurt. Anthony responded with one word "Prophetic." And I said to Anthony "I just want to believe..." Then I got up walked around the terminal and BAM. F'me. Believing is what got me here. *sigh. Head shake. I don't know anymore. 

MORNING RECAP

Sooo let's recap the morning:

3:45am Dog wakes me up 

3:48am Slid down the stairs

6:00am Get up with dog so he can throw up on the carpet 

7:00am Drop (shatter) iPhone in driveway 

It's only 9:04am - the day is still early. 

SELF LOATHING

Okay I know only a few of you read this blog so bare with me. This is my journal more or less and maybe I share too much sometimes. Or stuff no one wants to read.

Tonight I rented a movie "Thank You For Sharing". It was all about addiction. From all sides. It was multi fauceted and took me to places I didn't want to go. Sometimes it's just easier to watch a thinkless nothing movie and just joy ride rather than finding yourself in self reflection. F'k. After the movie I just sat with it. I thought my God that's all it is in life. Work. This whole life of mine feels like its just the work of getting through it and healing. And to be honest most days I sit in this space of feeling like the work of whole ness will never be done. It will never be easy and there is no finish line. Awareness is over rated. I wish I'd never become aware. And then my therapist who know the intimate space that I grew up in, reminds me that I'm just lucky to be alive. And every time he says that I realize how real it all was.

The movie brought up a lot. Addictive people. Addictive parents. The addiction cycle and all the things that go with it. Addiction cycles into abuse. Addiction awakens madness. Addiction is a mind fuck. It affects everyone in and around the addict. The addict parent breeds off spring that will either become addicts or control personalities, or, or, or....the list of dis functions runs as long as our self loathing. Never being good enough can drive a person to dark places.

For me it was starving myself for years. It was my only way to gain some sort of control in an environment where I had none. It was an escape. And it did horrible things to my body and my mind. Fuck. After swearing I would get away from my parents I ended with a guy who reminded me daily I was literally not good enough. Not good enough to marry. Not good enough to be a mommy. Heck, literally not even "deserving of love". I'm lucky I got a chance to opt out. I recognize that and actually feel lucky. Part of my current health issues probably started back from starving myself. Sometimes I don't even realize how much I still wrestle with my body image. Part of my leaving California had to do with understanding that I was in a sub culture (so cal, Orange County) where unless I augmented my body - I would never be pretty enough. I was already in a place of not feeling good enough and it was like I was punching myself in the face everyday by living there.

While I work hard at trying to find doctors to help me find out what's wrong with my endocrine system and get better I'm also finding that I really need to believe I'm good enough. And for anyone else who is trying to do the same thing - I know you know how hard that is.

I will nerver have my parents own their part in my life or even acknowledge much less apologize for how their addiction affected my life. They died at the hand of their addictions. My mom from a drug overdose and my dads cancer was a cancer commonly caused by alchohol addiction. This is not a whoa is me post. It's just me reflecting or getting out all that I'm wrestling with. Understanding how I am with the people around me and just trying to stretch towards whole ness without feeling like it will never come. Part of that is owning my own disfunctions and being real about who I am and what I need to work on.

And maybe one day forgiving myself for not being perfect and maybe one day believing that I am enough and I am worth it.