STUMBLING TOWARD HEALING

So I'm trying. Trying so hard to become a whole and healthy person that comes from a place within my own self and not dysfunction. Some days and some weeks it's really fucking hard. I've had a few really rough weeks actually where I doubt the whole process. Moments of just giving up. 

I've had moments where the fucked up dysfunction is reflected back to me by people I care about and I realize at new depths the totality of how fucked up my parents were and how deeply damaging they were. 

My therapist as a random suggestion recommended a healing music CD that he commented on was fairly powerful. Eye roll. What ever right? So I downloaded it and I have to admit I immediately began to benefit. Even if it was just the fact that the music was lowering my cortisol reaction it was working and I needed that. So I went with it. Listened to it all day really. That night I had a miraculous moment.

I was laying in bed after meditating and praying for healing. Just sitting with the music I felt a flood of love break through in my heart, flowing out towards my ex. Ali. I liken my reflexive response to a lot like a normal human being reacts to stepping in dog shit. I seized up pulled my "foot" back and wanted to immediately get the poop off. I panicked actually. He is not a person I want in my energy field and he is not someone I want attachment with. As quickly as I felt that another thought came in. Words came to me from a book. And basically the cliff notes version is you need to love in order to truly forgive in order to truly release. Love thy enemy. However you want to digest that. So instead I let the love come through. And I did my best to send him love and forgiveness and truly wish him the best. 

I'm glad that this happened spontaneously because I don't think I could have ever orchestrated that as authentically as it happened. I'm grateful because I believe that was true spontaneous healing and release.

Although my therapist reminded me it was not spontaneous because I'm working hard. It was just a break through. 

I felt much better in the following 24 hours. I'm still chewing on other wounds. Its almost like the next would is deeper raw and fresh again. I'm hoping to achieve the same moment but I know it has to come on its own spontaneous moment. 

I can honestly say that moment of feeling love for my "enemy" gave me enormous fredome. A weight had been lifted and am energy has passed through me and been released. Loving my enemy means not carrying the grudge. The wound heals and our paths truly release. 

I highly recommend it.