GRRR.

I have the option to be completely transparent with some people. Transparent being the modern term for throw someone under the bus. The problem is I keep trying to be a better person and just walk away from any dialogue that is disruptive. But here’s the thing I’ve realized recently – I’ve spent most of my life trying to be the better person. Trying to be a better person. Taking the road less traveled. Blah, blah, blabety blah blah (what the f’ ever) and then I had one of those lightning bolt moments when I realized - Being the better person seems to get me nowhere.

So why the f’ not? Right?     

WHOA.

Do you remember riding roller coasters as a kid? That initial feeling of excited anticipation as the roller coaster chugged up the first incline for the steep drop...and as the roller coaster neared the top you were suddenly filled with a mix of fear and excitement? Then the roller coaster would make its first drop and your stomach would drop.

Yeah well, my apartment is packed and, well I kinda feel JUST like THAT.

F'

YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY

With a sucker punch to the gut. Or maybe its the whiplash from the 180. (Okay, maybe its just the way you look at me.)

Let's try this again. Only this time lets keep the training wheels on....you know walk before you run kinda thing?

FOUR LETTER WORDS

If you know me you know I'm a big fan of four letter words. Mostly the really fun ones that start with "F". Lately though I've been using another one that starts with "H" and rhymes with gate. Yes, "hate". This is actually nagging at me in an icky way.

You know how some people think the "S" word or the "F" word is disgusting to use? Well to be honest I feel that way about the "H" word. I think its vile. It's absolutely dirty. Someone once fed me some psychological spiel on the word "hate". That if you "hated" something or someone that meant that they had defeated you in some way or gotten the better of you. You know, now that I think about it maybe I even read that in a book. Either way I bought into that thought process. I practiced that thought thinking thing as a golden rule for probably something close to 24 years. Then miraculously I woke up one morning and I started to dropping the "H" bomb all over the place. I don't like it - It's icky. But to be honest its kinda how I'm feeling.

I guess if the theory holds than I'm a pretty defeated person these days. I can live with that.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I hate this town.

Exhibit A:

I'm in the small cafe next to my building with my boss grabbing lunch....we pass a women leaving as we enter - I notice her shoes are adorable ballet, toe shoe flats in sharp black - I comment "LOOOOOOOOOVE THE SHOES....WHERE DID YOU FIND THOSE? ARE THEY AUTHENTIC? DO YOU DANCE?" I ask out of amazement because she is clearly too old to be up on pointes. I clearly get the picture she is clinging to the idea of youth based on the botox injections and pull back effect on her face she probably thinks she looks not a day older than 40. Whatever. She does this odd whisper thing like she's giving me some huge secret tip "Chloe...Saks Fifth Avenue". Ok....super grandma and I can't help myself so I step in it "Awesome...Didn't know they offered AARP discounts."

Out of morbid curiosity I google them this morning while simultaneously pretending to listen on a conference call (at 4:30am PST).

Who in their right mind spends $500 on shoes? I clearly have a problem with shoes. I would NEVER pay anything close to that for a shoe. This right here is totally orange county and I can't stand it.

FOR THE LOVE OF ADDICTION

I pace the kitchen. I'm exhausted. I've been dry for over 9months. I know all I need is a sip to give me that jolt I need right now. I pace. I do a few chores. I sit at my computer and my eyes feel heavy. I have to get through this work day. I shuffle back into the kitchen. The dark shadows of guilt lurking over my shoulder as I open the fridge and pull out a can of red bull. I pop the tab "crack" and my heart starts to pound with anticipation. I take a looooooooooooong draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggged oooooooooout sip. Savouring every second of the cool refreshing fluid over my lips and down my throat. I reluctantly pull the can back and swallow. I sigh. I whimper. This is not a good idea. My body nearly shut down from too much cortisol. What was I doing.

Pouring the can down the sink....the splatter of my tear drops falling against the steal....recovery is a life long process.

I toss the can in the trash and pause, realizing there is more than one can in there. I pull myself together and promise myself...today will be a better day. Today.

LAMO - okay but seriously - its THAT dramatic, I swear!

PA I'M COMING

Ready or not PA is coming at me quickly. And to be honest I'm not sure I'm ready for PA. This all happened pretty miraculously and I'm still blinking in disbelief. Like someone called my bluff and now I have to make good on it.

Truth is - I can live anywhere for a year. I mean come on - I lived in Orange County California for 2 years. I can live anywhere. I moved to NJ and ended up loving it. But I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a Flyers fan people.

I wanted no-where and this is no-where. I just didn't think I was going to get no-where.

Three weeks and starting.

F'me.

60 TO 0 IN 6 MONTHS

Ugh. So most of you know about my adrenal gland issue. I woke up one morning in October and it was like the world was on fire. I couldn't close my eyes for like 8 months. Crazy. I quit caffeine cold turkey. Cold. Didn't have one withdraw headache. Nothing. Why? Because my body was producing "Olympic levels" of cortisol all on its own. Doctors were perplexed and amazed. The thing is its just like you have amazing amounts of energy but you can't do anything about it and you have no real desire to either. Remember being in your most stressful moment? Remember how your body and mind felt? Yeah?! Well that's how I felt non-stop 24hrs a day, 7 days a week - EVERYDAY.

So they played around with medications, etc. and now I'm going through what can best be described as a crash landing - moments of high, moments of normal and then moments of wanting to hug my pillow like nobodies business. This is one of those moments. Exhaustion after waking from 9 hours sleep. WTF already?!? Body...please make up your mind.

I never felt this tired high.

AN EYE FOR AN EYE

So on occasion recently I've played games. You know the kind where you don't call but you make it known that your around and not doing anything about it. Not because you don't want to but because - Well it's complicated. So when asked why I didn't call - I answered without answering. I was welcomed with an amazing reunion followed by non-calling and gaming.

Touche'

I was kinda wrong. Can we both just get over our wounds and get on with amazing? I promise it will be worth it.

LETS TALK ABOUT THE HOLE

As a reminder. This blog is truly an exercise and I do not expect anyone to read it. Therefore I'm a little raw in here. Its for my own purpose of periodically working through life moments.

So let's talk about the hole as I fondly refer to it. Back in December when my body was literally stopping. Meaning my body was working on taking a permanent vacation. The array of doctors that I was seeing started throwing medication at me in an attempt to fix what they didn't know was wrong. The problem turned out to by my adrenal gland (a current work in progress) the adrenal gland regulates ALL hormones. Hence my hormones were out of whack and when they initially started throwing more hormones at me they further got out of whack. You know how right before you start your period some people get weepy, some get agitated, the list goes on? Well this was literally 1000x worse and at high velocity. I woke up one morning in mid-December and I was in a deep abyss. A black hole.

I had spent most of my life in awe of what a happy person I was. It was literally like my body produced mad rushes of serotonin. Sure I would have moments like any other human. But in light of what I had maneuvered through in life, I was a pretty happy person who was well conditioned for maneuvering through obstacles and pitfalls. I was aware of depression and manic behavior. Unfortunately I grew up with it. I thought I was compassionate and understanding of said condition. That said - I was blissfully dumb. It was truly to a point where had my doctor been in town (he was in Africa) I had left him a vm suggesting he admit me into the hospital - I needed to be institutionalized. It was a down spiral at light speed. Somehow I compartmentalized every moment of my life for 2 weeks until he returned. His comment to me was simply "Well looks like you got yourself out of it..." I was dumb struck. He was a psychiatrist who had treated my mother. WTF. "Got myself out of it"? I simply able to function at the necessities. Hardly what I would call "out of it".

Everyday I kept wondering if this is what it was like for my Mom. All I could think was this is the state she existed in for most of my life? How?! I didn't think I was going to make it through the next 24hrs and she lived 27 years like this. I had a new appreciation for people who suffer through depression. In my life it was a moment. For some people they are white knuckling it everyday of their lives. I use to think depression was a state of mind. And I'm sure in some cases it is. For others, probably a majority it is a true biological event. It's scary when you don't know what is happening with your body and even scarier when you can't control it or think your way out of it. I wondered the whole time "what is the purpose of this?" and "Why am I having to experience this." I have a bad habit of attaching a reason to everything..."This moment is happening so I can better...." or "I'm going through this now because....".

I know this moment has enabled me to truly appreciate and understand from the inside what depression can be like. I feel enormously compassionate towards people who have to maneuver life with this challenge. My full heart goes out to those people. I learned at a different level being that the real reason for all this was that my adrenal gland was failing (due to constant stress) that I DO NOT need to do it all for everyone. I am learning to just take care of myself. I'm learning who family is and isn't and that just because they are family DOES NOT mean they have to be a part of my life. I'm learning that in the grand scheme of life not a lot is that important that it gets to affect me. I'm starting to care a lot less about EVERYTHING.

Things are still a little unstable over here and there are moments when the hole feels like a vacuum trying to suck me in. Or I feel like I'm standing too close to the edge with a case of vertigo. But I work at just "breathing" my way out of it or "thinking" my way out it. Sometimes it works.

If you are a happy person - be grateful you are happy. If are suffering from any level or grade of the blues....My heart goes out to you.
Sorry this post was a little messy.

#23 WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A GIRL and #43 ON WHY I'M LEAVING CA

The usual provactive banter that eventually turns into a quasi invitation to go do something one day finished with "I thought you were going to get a boob job? What happened?"

I grew some self esteem asshole.

That right there is a moment brought to you by Newport Beach, CA.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

TANNING IN THE OC - BRING YOUR LIP GLOSS

Every now and then I fake bake. I haven't seen sun in awhile so the other night I tracked down a local place and went. I will post pictures later - It was that crazy.

It was like walking into a nightclub. In fact when I walked up to the store front I thought they must be closed the store looks blacked out. Then I heard the thumping dance music and spied the LED fake candles and realized they weren't closed - I'm just getting old. I walk in and seriously the theme was like "night groto creepy night club". I didn't know if I was going to be charged an additional cover charge or simply be denied entry.

I'm always amazed at how people peg people. When the gal showed me to my room she pointed out they had headphones and satalite radio...then Ming Chung...or "Mindy" as they call her offerred "I can tune in country music for you..." It's one of those moments where your smile drops and you blink twice like "did I just hear that?" But really what your thinking is "do I look like I listen to country music? WTF? I was raving before anyone new what raving was????" ....I said dance music was fine. She left. I locked the door and stared at myself in the mirror for like 3 minutes wondering where it all went wrong. When did the downward spiral begin and what was the crash landing going to be like.

Then I cracked open the door and yelled out into the busy lobby "I'm not going to get herpes from lying on these beds am I? They are kinda sticky...."

ALL IN

No I don't know what I'm doing. But I do know I can't keep doing what I've been doing. That much is painfully clear and painfully loud. And despite my best efforts at coming up with a plan there have been no lightening bolt ideas. SOOOO I'm simply going to change what hasn't been working and the rest has just kinda been happening. I have control issues so I'm not really familiar or practiced in this form of decision making. Sure my family would have described me as "fly by the seat of her pants" but the truth is I normally had a vision or a driving desire of some kind. These days I'm fresh out of desire and I have no drive. Just the knowing that I can't sit in the current "present" or I will, truly and totally implode. Completely self destruct. I can feel it growing inside of me. Swelling like a whirlpool, threatening to pull me down under the water where I will disapear into the dark abyss of the ocean.

While that is appealing...the idea of just complete surrender to darkness at this hour...believe it or not even the darkness won't take me. So here I sit in blissful nothingness. Okay its' not blissful but fuck, give me a break.

Two quotes do resonate in my non-resonating space:

"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith"
Margaret Shepard

"As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul"
Whatever that means - it seems to make me go "Ah. Hmmm? I guess."

So being that I can't stay here any more I'm going to move there....mostly because its the only place I could get immediate approval to move. Plus for some unkown reason the path to there kinda happened on its own. Meaning in an effortless fashion...the door swung open. So like Alice in Wonderland I supose, I will, well walk through the door. If I'm remotely lucky there will be hallucnigenic mushrooms....Really that's all I'm hoping for at the moment. A nice acid trip with some bright colors. I would prefer no talking animals though.

LET ME COUNT THE WAYS...

So I'm sitting in the car with one of my friends child. Transporting her to and from soccer. She is 8. Eight and living in glorious, sheltered, make believe, Orange County California.

There we are driving along listening to music in the car...when the lyrics to a particular song play out "Love...wide open...you make me bleed...." to which said 8 year old says "That's so stupid....how does that even make sense? How can love make you bleed? Love doesn't make you bleed".

I blinked my tear stained, BLOOD shot eyes in disbelief. Then I reminded myself she was 8. Eight in make believe Orange County California. I repressed the urge to pull off the side of the highway and explain at the top of my lungs that life was not all rainbows and unicorns. That love can in fact make you bleed. It can rip your soul wide open and extract your heart with a machete. It can destroy nations and has been known to cause war!

Then I paused and thought about age appropriate conversations. Besides, why the wake up call at 8? It would spoil all the fun right? I'll just gently remind her of this moment in 8 more years when she is 16 and Justin Beiber turns down her prom request and she thinks the world is ending.

Timing. Its all in the timing.

(And then I came home to a vm from my aunt calling me a b&^%$...but hey what's family for...right?)