SOMETIMES I CONFUSE IT ALL

Sometimes I get confused by what it all means. Information comes at me and my brain scrambles. Everything gets interpreted through the fragmentation of my heart. My heart which is not whole. Stitched back together half heartedly with lots of pieces still missing. 

I had a chance conversation with that guy from last year. I asked (thinking it would constructive for me to hear) why "her" and not "me". The answer was pretty simple. A list of all my amazing qualities followed by "I will never meet a girl like you again but I just didnt have "those" feelings for you". 

It echo'd like a whisper through a canyon...ricocheting around my the hallowed feeling in my chest. I've heard that line over and over and over again my entire life. I remember wandering out into the living room at midnight in NJ on the eve of the return to CA and my ex sat there and said the exact same thing to me. 

So I took it to therapy yesterday and of course got no where. I asked what was missing inside if me that was so unlovable. What is it about me that doesn't provoke that feeling from another? 

I just got a lot of feel good babble. He said "you have no idea how powerful you can be!?" So what does that even mean? Does being powerful mean that I'm just capable of doing it all alone? Does being powerful mean I don't need to be loved? 

I'm just getting too tired to figure it out. 

IN A WORD LOUD

My boss will be calling me in 2.5 minutes. He looks like if Wall Street and a Viking mated this would be their offspring. People mistake me for this sweet docile lamb. He and I get on the phone and it's like 2 Italian taxi drivers battling it out. We yell at each other. For no other reason than "because". It just happens. I'm the deflection board for all his stuff. People stand up in cubicles and stare...much like the way traffic slows when people pass an accident on the highway. Morbid curiosity. I fight to stand my ground and hold my own. People IM me...my laptop starts "dinging"...asking me to quiet down. 

Huh. You can't wrestle a dragon back into it's cave quietly. 

I'm just not sure I can go there today. 

THE JOURNEY

Trying to find my way. I fluctuate between lessons learned...my wounds...my hopes and giving up. I try to remind myself to repress all emotions, whether it be ups or downs. I just want to stay balanced with two feet on the ground looking forward. Centered. Not feeling. Just methodically moving forward. I don't know what's harder...fighting for hope... Or fighting not to believe. 

A GIRL OF 19

No joke - twice this week it was assumed I was very young. How young? Not old enough to drink young. 

I was out with my friend Camille for lunch - we started talking to the couple next to us. They asked if we were mother and daughter...(Camille was mortified)...the couple explained they thought I was 19 and seemed genuinely surprised to hear I was...well much older. 

On the train to from Philly to NYC the college student next to me asks "So are you headed home for the Holiday?" I panic of course because I think geez I never even put Easter presents in the mail...she notices I'm confused and says "For Passover...you headed home for Passover? So were do you go? Penn State? I go to Villanova..." I don't know which part of that conversation was more shocking....I sat stunned and silent.

I get that a lot lately...I seem young. I'm confused by the messaging. Is it the Botox? My sense of rebirth I seem to be experiencing? Or the general lack of maturity I may not be exuding these days? 

It's only adding to the life crisis. Not helping people. Just making it all that more confusing and difficult....

THE FUNNY THING

People either propel us forward or hold us back....The idealist picture in our head never matches the reality before us. We need to resist the commercial urge of fantasy and chose to live in the present. Complete authenticity and being wholey present in the now is the only way to achieve the true depth and connection our souls are seeking....

It's all an illusion...remember that. 

It's just in your head. 

ARGUMENT WITH A FROEMD TODAY

Friend: How can you not want something? 

Me: I just don't? I don't need anything from people. I've just learned to self sustain. 

Friend: But everybody has wants and needs...

Me: But I can't go through life hoping for "things" that mean nothing really...I just don't have those expectations of life...

Friend: You don't have one need? One want? If the sky was the limit? 

Me: I guess to know what it's like to be loved by someone...really truly loved. But the reality is the best we can hope for is to be loved by ourself. 

Like a deer in headlights...

WHATS PERFECT

Every now and again life throws you one of those complete moments...and when you lay in bed at night your thoughts smile...and you think "damn that was perfect.."