NYC

Smells like bile and sour rotten trash during the summer - I forgot that. Here for work and brought the dog - walked him through Bryant Park today - the weather was perfect at dusk - until you turn past the park and got a ripe smell of gross -

LIKE IN COLLEGE

Only I never went - my mattress is on the floor. My box spring will not fit up the stair case. Before you suggest anything we tried it all. I'm having to order a foldable box spring - the adventure continues (and so does the tracks of my tears) 

WHAT'S IMPORTANT

Name three things. Or if you had to walk through your home now and only pick three things what would it be? 

I've gotten rid of so much stuff lately. I'm suddenly so unattached to "things". I also don't have a lot things to put things on (by personal design). On my dresser are a few things I kept: a picture of me and my sisters with my grandpa, a stone figurine my cousin Stephanie gave me of two people holding hands (she said it reminded her of me) and a buffalo head nickel my grandpa gave my mom. So much other stuff doesn't matter. Weird. So name three things - what are they? 

FOUNTAIN SHOP

I live in a town that still has a fountain shop where you can go for a burger milkshake and fries and sit at the counter - or outside where they will put water put for your dog (there are water bowls for dogs to drink from all over our down town area which I am a block from and walk Kirby )

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Conversation goes like so:

"Wow you are early. Really prompt."

"I'm Germananic in nature..."

"Really?! Your German?"

"Vooon...Feeengler...fairly German"

"Oh really? I didn't know Von Fengler was German...Hmmm."

That is the second time...no make that third I've conversed with an executive (someone who in theory is intelligent enough to tie their own shoes and excel in a corporate environment..) has been baffled that Von Fengler is German in origin. What part of Von isn't making you stand at attention???? Is the pope Catholic?

CHRIS CORNELL ROCKS

Dark as roses 

And fine as sand 

I feel your healing 

In your sting again 

I hear you laughing 

And my soul is saved 

On forgotten graves 

You cry 

Crawl like ivy 

Up my spine 

Through my nerves 

And into my eyes 

Cuts like anguish 

Or recollections 

Of better days gone by 

But it's all right 

When you're all in pain 

And you feel the rain come down 

Oh, it's all right 

When you find your way 

Then you see it disappear 

Oh, it's all right 

Though your garden's gray 

I know all your graces 

Someday will flower 

Oh, ooh, whoa 

Oh, ooh, whoa 

In the sweet sun shower 

In the sweet sun shower 

Eyes like oceans 

So far away 

A feather trail 

To a better way 

Worried mornings turn 

Into days 

Then into worried nights 

But it's all right 

When you're all in pain 

And you feel the rain come down 

Oh it's all right 

When you find your way 

Then you see it disappear 

It's all right 

Though your garden's gray 

I know all your graces 

Someday will flower 

Oh, ooh, whoa 

Oh, ooh, whoa 

Sweet sun shower 

Oh, in a sweet sun shower 

Oooh, oh, whoa 

In a sweet sun shower 

In a sweet 

Sweet 

Sweet 

Sun shower 

Oh, oh, oh 

I know all your graces 

Some day will flower 

In a sweet 

In a sweet sun shower 

It's all right 

All you'll be you are today 

Are today 

It's all right 

All you'll be you are today 

Are today 

Are today 

Are today 

Are today 

Are today...

BUDDHA - JUST SHUT UP!

The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed

Buddha - You suck! Have no fear?! No fear??!!! If I could stop feeling jack ass I WOULD!

And by the way, incase we haven't met - I've been rejecting help since the dawn the of my time here on planet fuck up!

Buddha has got to be the biggest asshole EVER.

CRAZY THIS

Standing on the edge of a cliff seemed too easy for me but running in the rain while lightening is grounding it self on the trees I pass...That is my moment. Its been a while since I'd experienced a thunder storm...I forgot how close lightening strikes out here....for the first time I felt it though. The anger and frustration in me seemed to grind against the fierce sense of nature. I wanted the sheer force of nature to strike down on me...right into my chest and into my heart. For the Divine to mimic my internal implosion with the outside. In a single moment for me to absorb the energy and be released by it.

If getting struck by lightening sounds like the best thing that could happen to me...I'm not so sure about things these days.

The craving for mythical understanding eludes me.

THE GYPSY IN ME

I've come to a profound understanding about myself. My parents use to call me the hungarian word for gypsy. It was NOT meant as a compliment (all the time). I've come to realize it is my state of being. I could keep driving...traveling...not sitting still for a very long time and yet the paradox is that in my heart I yearn for a sense of home and permanence.

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

My shit isn't getting here until July 1st.

Yeah...let that wash over you for a moment. Ya with me? Here allow me to spell it out....

My - stuff - from - cali-forn-ia - IS NOT - going - to - arrive - in F'ING PENNSYLVANIA - until (wait for it....waiiiiiit for it....its' coming) J-U-L-Y F'ing FIRST.

Feel my pain?

Uhaul messed up. (To put it politely.)

AGE IS WEIRD

To be honest I've never really thought about my age or obsessed with it. I admit turning 40 was weird. More because I was no where even close to where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Also, living in California I became hyper aware of my bodies short comings.

Perhaps because I perceivabley look young. I say perceivabley because people have always assumed I'm younger. I have no idea if that's because I project immaturity...its possible.

Lately though its how age comes up in conversation. For example when reflecting on my move, marriage or life in general people will say things like "Well your so young...don't worry about it..." or "Well that's a great place for you to live...a lot of people in their early 30's love living there..." and I could go on. I was reacting by saying "I'm 41..." to which people gasp. Not a mild gasp either - the kind of gasp that causes their body to spasm and then I get this grave look as if I just announced I had a tumor like growth or found a lump. Then they kinda shrug their shoulders and deflect in a way that only enforces the sense I am in the final days of my life. Downward spiral. It's over. Now I just let them carry on with the age innuendos...while I chew on the truth of my age in silence. I let them believe I'm 25 when I'm really staring down the barrel of reality of 40 something. Which is not as sexy as they sell it on TV.

ITS REALLY A DRUG

I just had my first sip of coffee in 9 months. I won't lie - I nearly orgasmed. TMI you say. Pa'lease.
It's actually espresso to be honest. We have an espresso machine in the executive area that I am working in. I've been running hard all day and do not want to sip a red bull (which are free here so either I've developed that much self control OR I'm simply that afraid of my adrenal gland) point is I'm crawling and I've been making eyes at that machine all week. I caved.

I took a simple sip and then threw the cup out. The taste of espresso is still in my lips and I'm f'ing euphoric. Maybe doing drugs wouldn't be such a bad next step for me.

I'm just saying. Got any contacts in the tri-state area?

HMMM

Therapy is not all cat naps on a couch Frued and feel good. When you are trying to evolve and move forward expect to get stuck. Expect it to suck sometimes. I'm in a shitty space where it's hard for me to believe there is anything more to the big picture. I'm not so sure I need to evolve forward so much as maybe some regression might serve me more - hence why the following quote kinda resonated:

MY FAV

Love that you love the rain....and that you love to sing in the car to music that's from an era long ago.

YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

Jack Nicholson - A Few Good Med. My Dad loved that line - whenever we were having an argument or discussion - it would inevitably come down to that line and we would both start laughing.

I'm not really laughing today....I'm crying only I'm unable to cry. So I write. The physical phenomena of not being able to cry but needing and wanting to has something to do with whats going on with my body. A good cry would feel good but I can't for some reason.

Instead I'm sitting on the stairs of an empty house I'm renting with my head in my hands wondering WTF I'm doing.

I'm 2700 miles away from the people I love. I'm near a guy who is so skittish its not even funny and is obsessed with the idea of Florida and moving there in the near future. I'm near an office with a ton of nice people who to be honest annoy me a bit. I'm 2700 miles away from my boss who is a bit possessive. I do not have hot water. I do not have any of my "things". And I have no idea if this cortisol thing is EVER going to resolve itself because it keeps getting worse.

A few days ago Jim and I were standing in Devils Canyon throwing rocks into it to see how far down they would go, standing still in awe of nature and listening to the wind hiss through the canyon. I looked over and saw a jetty of rocks and for an instant thought how cool I'm going to go stand on it and be "on the edge" how brave and cool will that be! And as I was walking over to it I thought why? I know I can do it? I don't need to challenge myself anymore...I know what I'm capable of. I realized in that moment the "thrill" was gone. I've spent a lifetime proving to myself "I can do it". Now I'm kinda over it. I know what I can do. It was a weird moment of understanding things about myself and the dynamic of life.

The younger me would have thought no hot water was a challenge and embraced it. Just to prove that I could live under unreasonable circumstances and achieve. Not so much anymore. F'ck I know what I can do. So again I say to the universe - Just cut me some slack. I'm tired of how things are going and now you've got me believing I don't deserve a happy begining.

I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not even sure if I'm going to be okay with that. I want the present to feel better. I know I can't go back. I was not happy in California at all. I was fairly depressed. I'm just not feeling as good as I thought I would here.

I know, I know, I know "Wherever you go there you are...." I didn't expect a miracle - I just didn't expect this.

BECAUSE

Stay with me,
My love I hope you'll always be
Right here by my side if ever I need you
Oh my love

In your arms,
I feel so safe and so secure
Everyday is such a perfect day to spend
Alone with you

I will follow you will you follow me
All the days and nights that we know will be
I will stay with you will you stay with me
Just one single tear in each passing year

With the dark,
Oh I see so very clearly now
All my fears are drifting by me so slowly now
Fading away

I can say
The night is long but you are here
Close at hand, oh I'm better for the smile you give
And while I live

I will follow you will you follow me
All the days and nights that we know will be
I will stay with you will you stay with me
Just one single tear in each passing year there will be

I will follow you will you follow me
All the days and nights that we know will be
I will stay with you will you stay with me
Just one single tear in each passing year...


source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/
 

WAY MORE AMAZING

South Dakota was way more amazing than I remotely imagined it would be. In fact we are staying here because its that amazing (and we are that tired).

 

BECAUSE

I have a wicked sense of humor

 

HIM

 

NOTE TO SELF

List of discussion topics for therapy next week: 

(You know it's bad when you start making a list of what to talk about in your next appointment the day after your last appointment.) 

OK SO IT IS THAT COOL

 

ITS FING HOT

 

UNUSUALLY CRUEL

Back to back you played both our songs...All I wanted to do was be in the car....out there in the desert alone with the windows rolled down and cry by myself. But instead there you sat 12 inches from me - selecting the play list while I choked down on my fears...

REARVIEW MIRRIOR

There is a song by Pearl Jam...rear view mirror.... 

i took a drive today

time to emancipate

i guess it was the beatings made me wise

but i'm not about to give thanks, or apologize

i couldn't breathe, holdin' me down

hand on my face, pushed to the ground

enmity gauged, united by fear

forced to endure what i could not forgive...

i seem to look away

wounds in the mirror waved

it wasn't my surface most defiled

head at your feet, fool to your crown

fist on my plate, swallowed it down

enmity gauged, united by fear

tried to endure what i could not forgive

saw things

saw things

saw things

saw things

clearer

clearer

once you, were in my...

rearview mirror...

i gather speed from you fucking with me

once and for all i'm far away

i hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...

saw things so much clearer

once you, once you...

rearviewmirror...

saw things so much clearer

once you, once you...

rearviewmirror...

 

R WE THERE YET

Having nothing but a suitcase is oddly exceptionally comforting. There is an odd peace that comes over me with nothing. When I was sleeping on the floor in an empty house during the CA 2 NJ move. I was fairly content. The same with a period of time I was in the beach house and had nothing. When I was in temporary housing same thing. And now with nothing but a suitcase once again I feel an odd sense of peace. Maybe my parents were right about me all along. Maybe I am a gypsy. My mother would be proud (my father would be rolling over in his urn).

 

THE DOG

I've gotten some grief about the dog and sedating him for the drive. I get grief about Kirby a lot and sometimes it pisses me off. Then people spend some time with Kirby and they get it. Driving with him can be unpleasant at best. It's like some form of tourtière for the driver and or other passengers. The trial sedatives the vet gave me were not working - they had adverse reactions, it was as if he had an espresso when no one was looking. Pacing, panting and looking at me like "wtf are you standing still for"!? But this last one? Golden. He might survive the drive after all. 

 

FOR THE RECORD

I leave in 3 days (thinking that out loud makes my stomach drop out by the way). I will be blogging and posting pictures from the road...probably starting Tuesday night. If I don't post for more than a 24 hour time lapse...well that means somebody is buried in the desert. Or aliens got me. Or....

WHOA.

Shtuff is packed. Place is empty. What am I doing again?

 

DEER IN HEADLIGHTS LOOK

So lately everybody keeps saying "oh, so wait, your leaving next week? wow. already?" and i put on a good convincing show of confidence and reply "yeah....headed out next week..." and then they all want to dig in "so wait why are you moving?" and then i get even more inquistive looks....as i white knuckle it through trying to play off like i know what i'm doing. but f' i don't know what i'm doing. let me make this clear I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. and i'm too worn out to care how transparent that is. but at least i'm doing something. at least i'm not accepting the status quo as the end all be all. there may not be a happy ending for me. f' i don't care anymore. i'm tired of hoping or thinking the happy ending is what comes next in this urban story of woe. so better to charge forward into the unknown versus sitting around dwelling on the fact.

just to get the record straight - the rough plan is to move to a place with lower cost of living in a semi tolerable environment. save my money for five years and then really run away. like hardcore pack a backpack and a plane ticket and just start wandering. that my friend is the f'ing fantasy in my head.

so everyday the carrot in front of my nose is to run away to a half way deserted island and live off cocnuts for the balance of my exsistance. you want truth? there you have it. half baked and as dellusional as it gets (because to be honest, i don't even like coconuts...)

NOTED

"Therefore, your most reliable strategy is to avoid being overly attached to your desires. Paradoxically, denying your needs only strengthens your fears."

Yeah well my life is full of paradoxically EVERYTHING.

*sigh. WTFffffffffffff. (because I like to drag out that last word a looooooooooooooot)

REASON #7

Why I hate LA - 12am and the 405 is at a stand still! 

 

WHY?

Does it have it be so hard? I'm having a hard time believing I signed up for this. Sometimes I wish things were easy (easier) like everyone else. Other times I think that type of stagnation wouldn't suit me anyways. It's just that this constant uphill struggle is, well - has worn me out. I'm not sure I have much, if anything left me. I use to have this crazy idea that everything happened for a reason. Now not so much. It feels like the universe is just toying with me in the most cruel ways. Faith is hard to come by these days. I saw the Fast & Furious last night and there is a line in the movie "how did you know that car was going to catch us?" To which he replies "I didn't but sometimes you have to take it on faith". I could have started crying, I actually had to hold back. I use to have that kinda faith but I don't know. Life feels really messy lately and so do my ideas on fate and destiny. Maybe it exists but mine is just broken. Maybe I broke it like most things in my life. I suppose that line made me cry because I want to believe I can take all these signs on faith but it seems - well just messy. So for now I will keep pretending to ignore the signs...

EVER GET THAT FEELING

Like you just can't do anything right? Yeah, it's like constant lately.