WHATS PERFECT

Every now and again life throws you one of those complete moments...and when you lay in bed at night your thoughts smile...and you think "damn that was perfect.."

THE AH HA MOTHER OF A MOMENT

So I recently saw a friend of mine Greg. I've known Greg for over three years. We act like kids around each other. It's extremely annoying to people around us. We don't care. I see him we hug and then just as we are about to get silly he stops...pushes me back and says "What's going on? Something's different....OH MY GOD YOUR IN LOVE! I can see it...look at you?! It's all coming from the inside..." 

I was slack jawed and stunned because in love is the furthest thing..In fact I try to run from that these days..but then as I was examining that a thought came to me and I said "Maybe I just learned to love myself and I'm in love with me.." Then I sauntered off in quiet awe of myself. 

Look it's a struggle everyday to deal with my self loathing...but for the first time in my entire life I'm truly ok w me...maybe that's the real key to life...the place where we find true happiness....when we are able to fall compassionately in love with ourselves....

LOVE DOVES

One of my favorite noises is the a dove in the morning. I haven't heard that since I left the place my sister and I had down at the beach. It soothes my heart that sound. It deeply nourishes my soulf. And makes me oh so happy....

ITS MY BODY

The strangest thing I did not expect. As everybody knows I recently got a tattoo and am working on a second. What I did not expect was the level of personal joy this is giving me in rooting myself in my body. 

For most of my life I kind sat in this place of self loathing of my body. It was never thin enough or firm enough or shaped right or or or and the list goes on. In parallel with that is me feeling anchored on this earth. It's been a challenge for longer than I can remember. Something I've worked on for years in therapy and have made very little progress. But honestly decorating my body has strangly made me feel more connected and at home in it. It's an incredible feeling that I never counted on. 

PEOPLE SAY THE STRANGEST THINGS

And by strange I mean stupid...my car died last week in route...

AAA Operator: okay ma'am are you sure it's the battery? How do you know it's the alternator? Is there has in the vehicle? 

Me: okay first things first...I understand you are being polite but please don't call ma'am....and if the car is out of gas and you need to ask me that then someone needs to take MY license away for being that stupid. It's the alternator trust me on this I googled it.

AAA Operator: ok the tow truck will be there anytime between now and (wait for it..) two and a half hours...

And as you can imagine the conversation down spiraled from there. 

THE JOURNEY

Life continues to unfold in ways that I will not ever understand. That bums me out. A twist and turn of events and two paths cross. In the past I would have marveled at fates guiding hand...Now? Now I just do my best to ignore it. Dismiss it and move on because there's never any follow through. I'm not even trying to participate in it. *sigh.