HONESTY

Lyrics from a song by Sara Bareilles:

"Say what you want to say..." "Honesty.." "Just let the words fall out..."

SNOW.

Yeah a ton of snow. I'm laying in bed and the only noise I hear is the occasional snow plow...it's steal shovel scraping the road. This oddly comforting to me. 

AS IF MY DAY COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE

I came home to frozen pipes. 

U MAKE IT SOUND SO EASY

This is the type of shit that gets me in trouble. 

I was texting with my friend Anthony this morning about my heart and him. I'm such a coward sometimes. I use to be bold and brave and loud. Not so much anymore. I got out of the elevator this morning assuming there was ZERO statistical odds that I would encounter him. He was right in front of me. He had no idea I was behind him. 

Anthony questioned why I didn't say "hi" etc. and asked what I was learning from all this. I suddenly recalled a dream I'd had the night before where this man I know said "I'm trying to hold you but you won't let me!" And I didn't want to be held because I didn't want to hurt. Anthony responded with one word "Prophetic." And I said to Anthony "I just want to believe..." Then I got up walked around the terminal and BAM. F'me. Believing is what got me here. *sigh. Head shake. I don't know anymore. 

MORNING RECAP

Sooo let's recap the morning:

3:45am Dog wakes me up 

3:48am Slid down the stairs

6:00am Get up with dog so he can throw up on the carpet 

7:00am Drop (shatter) iPhone in driveway 

It's only 9:04am - the day is still early. 

SELF LOATHING

Okay I know only a few of you read this blog so bare with me. This is my journal more or less and maybe I share too much sometimes. Or stuff no one wants to read.

Tonight I rented a movie "Thank You For Sharing". It was all about addiction. From all sides. It was multi fauceted and took me to places I didn't want to go. Sometimes it's just easier to watch a thinkless nothing movie and just joy ride rather than finding yourself in self reflection. F'k. After the movie I just sat with it. I thought my God that's all it is in life. Work. This whole life of mine feels like its just the work of getting through it and healing. And to be honest most days I sit in this space of feeling like the work of whole ness will never be done. It will never be easy and there is no finish line. Awareness is over rated. I wish I'd never become aware. And then my therapist who know the intimate space that I grew up in, reminds me that I'm just lucky to be alive. And every time he says that I realize how real it all was.

The movie brought up a lot. Addictive people. Addictive parents. The addiction cycle and all the things that go with it. Addiction cycles into abuse. Addiction awakens madness. Addiction is a mind fuck. It affects everyone in and around the addict. The addict parent breeds off spring that will either become addicts or control personalities, or, or, or....the list of dis functions runs as long as our self loathing. Never being good enough can drive a person to dark places.

For me it was starving myself for years. It was my only way to gain some sort of control in an environment where I had none. It was an escape. And it did horrible things to my body and my mind. Fuck. After swearing I would get away from my parents I ended with a guy who reminded me daily I was literally not good enough. Not good enough to marry. Not good enough to be a mommy. Heck, literally not even "deserving of love". I'm lucky I got a chance to opt out. I recognize that and actually feel lucky. Part of my current health issues probably started back from starving myself. Sometimes I don't even realize how much I still wrestle with my body image. Part of my leaving California had to do with understanding that I was in a sub culture (so cal, Orange County) where unless I augmented my body - I would never be pretty enough. I was already in a place of not feeling good enough and it was like I was punching myself in the face everyday by living there.

While I work hard at trying to find doctors to help me find out what's wrong with my endocrine system and get better I'm also finding that I really need to believe I'm good enough. And for anyone else who is trying to do the same thing - I know you know how hard that is.

I will nerver have my parents own their part in my life or even acknowledge much less apologize for how their addiction affected my life. They died at the hand of their addictions. My mom from a drug overdose and my dads cancer was a cancer commonly caused by alchohol addiction. This is not a whoa is me post. It's just me reflecting or getting out all that I'm wrestling with. Understanding how I am with the people around me and just trying to stretch towards whole ness without feeling like it will never come. Part of that is owning my own disfunctions and being real about who I am and what I need to work on.

And maybe one day forgiving myself for not being perfect and maybe one day believing that I am enough and I am worth it.