JUST SO YOU KNOW

I chose you tonight. Over and over and over again. My heart, my mind = we all chose you. 

DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES

I spoke to two people tonight and that was it. The first was my friend and hair stylist Greg...he is normally a very up person and our time together (my hair appointments) are usually loud obnoxious and fun...he owns the salon so f'it it's ok. Tonight he had a bunch of stuff under his skin that was festering and I had my own load of festering sadness. We talked and I listened. It's growing pains and a life moment that's stretching out for him. Part of it is the  cost one pays for the road less traveled and this I understand. The energy was more introspective than normal, the vibe is always peaceful.  G is a surfer and he carries that with him. He moves in time and in sync with the earth. It's a quality about him. But in contrast is the turmoil that he wrestles with, that which is himself seeking something that is beyond either his reach or his ability to "know" it. 

I understand this because My own sense of nirvana eludes me too. Our battle cry is the same "cut me some slack". 

In contrast I spoke to my sister this evening over the phone. She is a new mom struggling with the heart warming chaos of babies. Two of them. But yet in her voice was a sweet calm I had never heard in her before and I wondered with great awareness if this was the sound and vibration of having finally received the gift of a soul longing? Having finally had her complete dream come true? If so her voice sounded like it should feel. A deep sense of peace, and a centeredness of the soul. And I was happy for her. 

And I wonder....

PERSPECTIVE

I almost took Route 3 coming out of the Lincoln Tunnel on my way back to PA from NYC tonight. It was almost out of habit - Route 3 would take me home to Montclair. It's strange how going through the Lincoln Tunnel is comforting to me...and how seeing signs for NJ can make me smile. NJ is not that great (it's also not that bad...) but I suppose the smile is from some sense of accomplishment or in vet achievement. Weird right? But there is a sense of accomplishment knowing you can survive in a challenging environment. I may not have knocked it out of the park when I lived there - but I swung and hit the ball. I made it under unusual circumstances and I feel good about that. I guess I finally got what NJ meant to me. When you can do gritty or make it through by your wits that's something. 

I GET IT BUT I CAN'T GET IT

Speaking of therapy (eye roll) something that has been driven into me by my therapist and what keeps popping up in front of my eyes (although, as stated, I know longer believe in signs...) is the need to acknowledge my own worth. I might as well be attempting to summitt Mt. Everest. I don't even know how to explain that. It seems so easy for some people. If there was a pill I could take or a tonic I could drink to achieve this I would.

FINALLY

What does it mean when even your therapist sighs heavy and says "I wish I had something for you in this moment, but I don't..." and then he cries with you?

I don't even know what to do with that. Either that means he finally gets it. Or it really is....what it is.

THE SMALL THINGS I GUESS

My day is ending where my week will begin - a nice hotel (I lie, a five star hotel w a lot of somebody's walking around) in the meat packing district of Manhattan. One of our offices is close by. I chose here because they live dogs:

I'm across the street from the Kate Spade new store that just opened this weekend - I just walked Kirby by the Christian Loubitian (sp) store and the shoes I've been admiring forever are in the front window. A known actor (older) was at the check in counter and said to me "Do I know you?" (I was wearing my Jackie O sunglasses in doors???) to which I said "NO" in an unfortunately rude tone. 

The sun glasses were to hide my sallow face. But in a place where there seems to be a lot of somebody's I suppose a woman with her dog, sun glasses and a casually understated outfit draws attention. Back in the day I would be having a moment. But right now?  Simply wondering when the hole in my chest will stop aching. 

(Over looking thee place to be...)

I get into the elevator with Kirby - a group of kids follow me in - drunk - going to the penthouse - penthouses here are 10-15k - she asks me to come party with them - I say (with my sunglasses still on in a near pitch black elevator) what's the occasion? She is turning 26. I avoid the urge to burst into tears and begin a rant as long as the holland tunnel. Instead I feel compelled to blurt out the fact that I  am 42 (Wtf I'm still 41!?) bad form.Thank goodness they were too self involved to care.

Some external pleasures pale to the deeper longings of our heart. 

POSITIVE THOUGHT

Watching a surf document when Laird Hamilton comments on the realization of self "when you experience the most deepest sense of who you are..."

And I realize there have been a few moments when I actually had that feeling - I sense of complete connection within my self. 

The essence of those moments was wandering driving into an unknown. Completely free from everything. I always assume everybody else has that all the time - perhaps that's not the case and a moment of nirvana should be enough. 

THE WAY OF THE....

"In order to have it all you must lose everything.."

Every spiritual practice today echoes this dogma. Ive got to wonder though if in losing everything you simply grow detached through disenchantment and thus suddenly only through complete detachment having it all is really about having nothing and being detached from the fact that you have nothing? 

Confused? It's really simple I guess. Well if you can detach right? 

LINE FROM A MOVIE

"I just haven't met the right guy yet"

"Bullshit - who wouldn't want a girl like you...You are just afraid to let them in because if you do and they reject you it hurts worse than death"

Yes, it does. 

I KID YOU NOT

It's so hot and humid out my sunglasses keep fogging up and I could not wear them. 

Dude. 

THE SUBURBAN LIFE OF A DOG

HOW POETIC AND TRUE

Line from a movie "Without love there is nothing".

True. 

SO LETS TALK SIGNS

My moniker went from "musings from against the grain" to "ignoring the signs" because that's where I've kind of ended up these days. Since I can remember I've always seen signs. Real stuff. And I believed that like a trail of breadcrumbs of sorts they were leading me somewhere. But really I've come to this place where I'm really thinking the joke's been on me. That my friend is not a fun place to be. At all. It's dark here. I was discussing that with a friend and realized she didn't really get what I meant by signs - so I kinda took her down the rabbit hole/acid trip of my life.

For a very long time I use to see hearts everywhere - normally at down moments... I thought these were signs of hope. An example of hearts? Exhibit A

One morning in NJ I came out to my car (during the initial down spiral this occurred ) opened up my car door and there was this fairly large spiderweb in the shape of a heart covering my drivers side. I was in awe - I couldn't imagine how a spider created that web in the matter of hours since I'd been in the car last. This is what I mean by signs - they've been big in my life. The heart thing continues for awhile. In Vegas for my first show I remember being exhausted - my body was crashing unknown to me. I laid in my hotel room every night crying trying to calm myself with the mantra my therapist gave me "let the love in" over and over until I'd fall asleep. It was cyclical everyday. The last day I was wandering into the bathroom at night (at this event) and there was a bunch of paper on the ground in the shape of a heart - while I was use to this - I was DONE - so I yelled out loud (because I'm crazy and don't care who hears me) "WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? WHERE IS THIS LEADING ME DAMMIT!!??" And then I dunno an hour later? A few minutes later we were all standing in a group and I broke off to talk to this guy I barely knew at the time but had a feeling about. He had tattoos on his arms he'd shown me but was kinda being secretive about the one on his leg. So I asked one more time to see it - he said yeah and explained he just didn't want to show me in front of everyone - he knelt down and pulled up his pant leg and there on his calf was an abstract tattoo of a heart open at the top and at the bottom...I should mention we were both a little drunk at this moment...and I was dumb struck. He started to ramble on about the design significance and might have said something about a broken heart...and all I could utter in my drunk-en-mess as he pointed out the openings at the top and bottom was "...so you can still let the love in...yeah hmmm" and then he looked at me dumbstruck and said "wow...I've never had anyone describe it that way before...but yeah I guess" We both just stared at each other....

I came home from that show went to work the next day and had an apple for breakfast: 

I couldn't make this up if I tried - that heart shape came out in one bite. F'Me. 

At this point of the story it probably feels magical but life doesn't work like that. At least not for me. 

So skipping this part of the story I will say that all was beautiful then it got messy - I was (am) messy. One Saturday I was particularly frustrated and thought maybe I'd drive to the church near where I use to live at the beach. I use to go and sit in front of this beautiful Mary statue and contemplate the divine. I had time they didn't  lock the doors until dusk. I drive an HOUR PLUS...the doors were locked. My frustration tripled....then it quadrupled...I sat in the parking lot talking to a mural of Mary wondering why I came all this way, what was the point? I pull into traffic and get cut off by this 

I was once again dumbstruck - I mean come on?! What are the f'n odds? There is an exactness to this note that I can't even begin to explain to anyone on the outside of this story. 

I suppose one can take that sign on faith. I'm trying to. But it's really hard. You'd have to understand more of the story and to be honest I'm way to fragile these days to share that much vulnerability right now. I can say this (again) I'm feeling like the the divine has...well...I'm just not sure I believe in signs anymore. Or happy endings. I mean really I suppose all I really wanted was a happy beginning...a place to start the mad adventure from. It just doesn't seem like those things are meant for me though.

FIRE

I nearly burned down my yard this evening. Yeah, so everything is status quo over here. I was BBQ'ng chicken - I have a 30 foot leash that I put Kirby on when I'm in the front yard. Are you getting that feeling? Getting a sense of the pending disaster? Fire. Dog. Me.?

Yeah, so dog is on leash laying in yard. Chicken is on grill. Flame is on medium high. For like 40 seconds I was in nirvana - it's dusk, the fire flies...seemingly peaceful...why it didn't occur to me that this was the perfect time for something to go wrong is beyond me.

A lady walking her dog heads up past the yard with her basset hound...Kirby pops up alive and eager to greet (chase) the basset hound....I hadn't noticed he'd wrapped the leash around the legs of the grill which sits at the edge of the patio near the LUSH GARDEN FLOWER BEDS WITH TALL SEA GRASS....Mmmm'hmmm. Dog runs leash pulls grill flat back onto the ground. I attempt to pull the grill up but can't - I reach for the gas knob and think I'm turning it off....but of course I'm only turning it higher....all the while yelling at Kirby to "come here" but he has his nose up the basset hounds rear and can't hear me. I'm trying to reel him in however the other dog owner must be on enough Zoloft to take down Manhatten because all she can say is "it's ok.....he's friendly...how cute...wow that smells good...what are cooking..." I say several times words like "fire" and "help" and "grill" peppered with words like "FUCK" but miss Zoloft isn't feeling the heat....she can't understand why her basset hound is pulling towards my patio with all his might...apparently she didn't see the yellow brick road of chicken breasts across my yard..."wow he really wants to play with your dog..." Meanwhile Kirby is sitting there staring at Mr. Basset Hound like "dude your not really going to eat that are you? It's on the ground??? And it's only partially cooked." Meanwhile the flower bed is suspiciously beginning to smoke.

Unbelievable...but let's be honest not really right?

TRUST. DO YOU HAVE IT?

I went to Target today and as I was walking across the parking lot a young blind woman was walking out with her stick, waving it back and forth in a methodical rhythm (if you've ever seen a blind person with their walking stick you know what I mean) she confidentially, actually near effortlessly, worked her way across the parking lot to the bus stop. I kinda watched in awe. She seemed so "trusting" of the system, trusting of her process and self assured. So strange and amazing. An odd grace to be honest. I felt a pang in my heart. Here I am with all of my senses working and I have a hard time trusting that the sun will come up tomorrow. I don't think I felt jealous but just an odd sense of admiration of her self assured trust of what she was doing. I remember being that trusting once. I miss that part of me. I think.

SELF PERSPECTIVE

I'm not talking about my own self perspective I'm talking about how self absorbed everybody tends to be in their own. It's hard for some people to understand me lately. I finally got frustrated with a friend today and I had to ask if she had ever had her heart broken. She thought for a moment and said no. And there we were. The second mistake though is that people tend to be myopic and are only really able to reflect on the present. I explained to her that I think that maybe the human heart can only be broken so many times before it just stops. And people relate that perspective to the present tense. 

Only my therapist seems to grasp the entire timeline of my life and understand that it's accumulative.  

Sorry I'm such a downer - feel free to completely ignore me. Believe me I completely understand. 

A 1000 SONGS ABOUT RAIN

I'm laying here in the dark waiting for the rain...I love the sound of it. I love running in it...It soothes me for some reason. 

There are so many songs about rain and all of them conjure up different feelings, thoughts or day dreams....

How many songs can you think of that talk about the rain? 

There must be kind of yearning in the creative heart that understands the rain perhaps....

RIDDLE ME THIS

I participate on Instagram and this is one of the people I follow. I'm not sure what to make of the quote - it pulled my attention as I mention throwing away my dreams. I use to read Rumi actually. But that was a life time ago when I believed. 

SHADOW

THE VIEW FROM MY ROOM

THROWING IN THE TOWEL

On my dreams. So easy for people on the outside to comment on my inside. I literally threw out my dreams today. In the trash. I'm just so tired of not getting the things I want. I'm tired of the sucker punches to the gut. I'm tired of being pacified. I don't need polite reassurance - I just need quiet away from everything. I'm tired of dismissing my broken dreams by telling myself it could be worse blah blah blah. It is bad. And I've made a life out it. 

This was the top of my moms wedding veil. I was saving it thinking one day I would incorporate it into my own wedding day outfit. I threw it in the trash today. 

I really don't want to hear about babies starving in Africa. I just want to cry myself to sleep and tell the divine how I really feel. 

NYC

Smells like bile and sour rotten trash during the summer - I forgot that. Here for work and brought the dog - walked him through Bryant Park today - the weather was perfect at dusk - until you turn past the park and got a ripe smell of gross -