SOMETHING FROM SOMEWHERE

Because you speak to me in words and I look at you with feelings

HMMM

Line from a movie "I like the way the people see life as a privilege not a right..."

Maybe that's part of my problem these days...it feels more like a sentence...a purgatory of sorts...like a punishment. 

DO YOU EVER

Think that maybe all of it is just a lie? The whole thing...life in general? 

HUH?

What f'ing ever...

CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC

Back when I realized I was sick my gut reaction was to simply stop everything and let my body heal itself. I was afraid though. When you are that sick and your symptoms are exacerbated its difficult to trust yourself much less medical professionals. That instinct has continued to nag at me ever since. I've been working with a couple of doctors out here and we are coming to the conclusion that coming off of everything and letting my body heal itself with minimal external intervention would be best. This makes me happy and makes me scared as hell. I still have two more key appointments with my doctors so we will see. But I can say I feel optimistic. 

AWKWARD

I'm in the wrong meeting and can't actually get up and leave.

Awkward.

IF I COULD BE THERE

HMMMM

HMMM

WITH YOUR GHOST TONIGHT

I wake....it's 2:30am...I can never sleep....this ache keeps waking me...deep in my soul where my heart use to beat. I stare out the window my eyelids are heavy against the shadows of moonlight...I hear more than I see....the night noises...crickets and the wind...restless through the leaves....I search the night sky....constellations...searching for sighs of God...wondering if I'm heard. And the tears quietly start...and the dark clouds stretch in. I try to remember what it felt like to rest in your gaze...what the sound of your voice was like and kind touch of your skin....the deep calm in your stare. 

Was it just a cruel dream? I fear....it must have been...

HMMM NOW THAT'S SOMETHING TO PONDER

TRUE

So true huh...

SERENE MOMENTS

There were so many moments driving across America....

CAN YOU?

One of my favorite lines lately...

"There is always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty but I like that with all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same about yourself fucker? Huh can you? Can you forgive? Are you any good at that?" 

Can you? I'm so hungry about the idea of being able to love all the parts of my self. But so lost on how to get there. Forgiveness seems like the easy part except for when it come to forgiving myself.

F'ck

SWEET SMELL OF SALT AIR

*sigh

OR PERHAPS NOT

Or not

LET THE SKY OPEN

And rain down...

GUARD DOG (NOT)

Phase 1:

Phase 2:

Phase 3:

INSIDE

Some thing are evoked from inside our soul and we can't control those things. I wish I could. I wish I could desensitize my heart....I love that song by Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb. God I wish I could achieve that but I won't ever do drugs. 

I was recently asked by a shaman how he could help me and I explained that I felt my connection to the divine was broken...and that my heart has lost it's sense of conviction....He was at a loss for words. 

I hate when that happens...and it's been happening a lot lately....

FAVORITE SOUNDS

My favorite noises:

The sound of rain really coming down...I woke in the middle of the night to that sound and my heart smiled as I drifted back to sleep....

The sound of the wind through the leaves...I love that! 

It's amazing that even when life is a complete mess something so simple can still make me smile...

THE VIEW TODAY

My office view today

Working from home....

It's only August 14 but it's kind of a nice crisp fall morning...with a crisp breeze blowing through the leaves....

DEAR BILL

I've had a rough go and it would really lift my spirits if you and the Pats could stomp on the Birds tonight. 

I'm here in Philly and if it wasn't for my general fear of being mugged, stabbed (or much worse) I would go buy a ticket to tonight's game. But let's face it. A girl dressed in a Patriots hoodie outside the Eagles stadium at 7pm at night is like tying chum to a kids bathing suit and letting them swim out in the ocean water of cape cod (where schools of great whites have been reported) 

I'm not really in the mood to have the blue beat out me. Some might question my team loyalty but honestly I like to think I'm just practicing good survival skills. 

THE VIEW FROM HERE

The view from the office today. It's three stories of glass and metal modern architecture in the forest of PA. So outside is a dense forest of equally tall trees am running water. 

Kinda cool.

ARE YOU IN?

It's like skull and bones over here. They tap you on the shoulder and it begins....I'm worried in the next phase of me telling them no they are just going to show up on my lawn w the company hellicopter in the middle of the night, shove a pillow case over my head and make me take the job. 

No means no. Really. 

NO NO NO

I'd like to place a complaint with the universe. WTF is up with the lack of general everything. You can't have what you want but we'll give you a few once in a lifetime opportunities that you don't want. How's that?! How's that you ask!?!? F' that! 

I don't want it. 

THE MANY IRONIES IN LIFE

I'm walking down a row of cubicles to decline a job a lot would die to have. Their cubicles are lined with wedding pictures and baby announcements. I quietly cry inside. Try to convince me - try to convince them life no matter what we tell ourselves is unfair. 

Screaming unfair. 

GEEEZ

I remember noting that when my parents read labels they had to hole stuff further away in order to read it. I thought this was odd and funny. 

It's not so funny anymore....yeah. 

FASHION TIP

Just an interesting fashion textile thing. If you ever need to "stretch" out a pair of jeans or a skirt - as long as it is cotton based fabric (cotton, linen...denim which is cotton more or less...) you can stretch it by getting said article of clothing wet and them wearing it over an existing article of clothing. Confused? Exhibit A. I have a pair o jeans I could use a little more room in. I pulled them out of the washer and pulled them on over an existing pair of jeans I was wearing. I sit In them for about an hour (while I'm multi tasking). Strange? Maybe. Effective? Yes. 

The dog looked at me like I was nuts. I did the same thing w a linen cotton skirt a few weeks ago and I swear by this technique. 

Try it.  

NEVER THOUGHT I

Would say this but I hope the summer stretches a bit more. I woke up this morning to a sunny but crisp day. It made me nervous. While I'm not a fan of desert heat and dirt I do live humid lush days of green. I'm so cold sensitive I kinda need it to keep me warm. I have no idea when summer ends here or when fall begins? I will of course document it with photos when it does arrive. 

In the meantime lets talk movies. What are your favorites these days? I live silver lining and have been watching some of the classics like Alien and Top Gun....and Jaws.