DID YPU REALLY JUST ASK THAT?

Sitting in my endocrine's office and the nurse is running through a list of questions:

"How would you describe your health these days?"m

"Yeeeees. How would you describe your health? You know...feeling great. Maybe under the weather..."

I just sat there. Speechless.

"Okay I'm not even sure what to say. Like I'm seriously speechless. Uh. Ah. Hmm. HOW ABOUT DEFCON FIVE!?!? I'm in an ENDOCRINES OFFICE! under the weather doesn't come close." 

Nurse is now equally stunned and we are now on equal playing ground. 

"Miss. Miss!? You look great though." 

I started to feel bad so I attempted to recoup "Look I'm sorry. My apologies. I'm sure you don't think these questions up on your own. They just pay you to go through the motions...I'm just on edge."

"I understand miss. What. Um. Hmmmm..." And she dragged out the hmmmm while her pen hovered over the paper looking at me. So I helped her out "Defcon five. Seriously you can write Defcon Five down. Tell them I made you do it if you have to. This is for real." And I looked her in the eye while I genuinely fought back tears. 

Nothing is worse than feeling defeated before the doctor even walks into the room. And defeated I was. It was just dripping down the walls of the examining room. It's like that scene in Star Wars when they are in the garbage compactor. Although I'm totally cool with being having my brains smashed in.

In enters the doctor.

"Soooo not the results I was hoping for. Even w the suppression you are still producing abnormal cortisol." 

On the inside (NO SHIT FUCKTARD!?!)

On the outside "I see. So what does that mean?"

Doctor "Well it's not a tumor so we are stumped. But I do not want to give you meds and I know you don't want meds. (Insert shoulder shrug.) Sooooo let's keep bringing you off the pill aaaannnnd hmmmmmmm. Do you exercise at all?" 

On the inside (ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?)

On the outside "I run my dog 2 miles a day and I do cross training 3 x a week and I've just added Pilates." 

Doctor "ooooooookaaaay. Hmmmm. That's goo..."

This is where I cut her off "I'm athletic to put it mildly. Have been for the last 20 years. HOW DO WE GET ME TO STOP PRODUCING CORTISOL!!!?!?! (Tears welling up in my eyes and I humbly uttered..." I am pleading with you Dr Ryan." 

Doctor "We would need to do what we are doing...ween off the pill and keep you exercising. Not much else we can do. Come back and see me in 6 months?"

"So basically  beyond medical intervention and the best I can hope for is a miracle? Seriously? We are talking true spontaneous miraculous healing? Like I need a witch doctor a minister or a Buddhist monk????" 

"Well noooooo I'm not saying thaaaat buuut....keep doing what your doing and come see me in 6 months." 

I suppressed the out right sobbing until I got to the parking lot where I trudged through the driving snow yelling and sobbing like a wild Yedi. 

So God...we need to talk. I need a miracle. And honestly I believe I deserve one. Seriously. 

SNOW AIR

There is this thing that happens before it snows. The air becomes incredibly crisp and super clean. I have no other way to explain it. We just had a few days of "warm" weather and I just walked Kirby outside and it was "snow air". 

Hear my pain?

STUMBLING TOWARD HEALING

So I'm trying. Trying so hard to become a whole and healthy person that comes from a place within my own self and not dysfunction. Some days and some weeks it's really fucking hard. I've had a few really rough weeks actually where I doubt the whole process. Moments of just giving up. 

I've had moments where the fucked up dysfunction is reflected back to me by people I care about and I realize at new depths the totality of how fucked up my parents were and how deeply damaging they were. 

My therapist as a random suggestion recommended a healing music CD that he commented on was fairly powerful. Eye roll. What ever right? So I downloaded it and I have to admit I immediately began to benefit. Even if it was just the fact that the music was lowering my cortisol reaction it was working and I needed that. So I went with it. Listened to it all day really. That night I had a miraculous moment.

I was laying in bed after meditating and praying for healing. Just sitting with the music I felt a flood of love break through in my heart, flowing out towards my ex. Ali. I liken my reflexive response to a lot like a normal human being reacts to stepping in dog shit. I seized up pulled my "foot" back and wanted to immediately get the poop off. I panicked actually. He is not a person I want in my energy field and he is not someone I want attachment with. As quickly as I felt that another thought came in. Words came to me from a book. And basically the cliff notes version is you need to love in order to truly forgive in order to truly release. Love thy enemy. However you want to digest that. So instead I let the love come through. And I did my best to send him love and forgiveness and truly wish him the best. 

I'm glad that this happened spontaneously because I don't think I could have ever orchestrated that as authentically as it happened. I'm grateful because I believe that was true spontaneous healing and release.

Although my therapist reminded me it was not spontaneous because I'm working hard. It was just a break through. 

I felt much better in the following 24 hours. I'm still chewing on other wounds. Its almost like the next would is deeper raw and fresh again. I'm hoping to achieve the same moment but I know it has to come on its own spontaneous moment. 

I can honestly say that moment of feeling love for my "enemy" gave me enormous fredome. A weight had been lifted and am energy has passed through me and been released. Loving my enemy means not carrying the grudge. The wound heals and our paths truly release. 

I highly recommend it. 

AT MY THREAHOLD

I'm at my THRESHOLD with so many things right now I could scream. Between my health my hair and the snow I could literally sell all my belongings and move to an island w Kirby. This better be the last snow fall of winter. 

I love it but honestly I'm over it. 

Now off to have a good cry. 

FROZEN

I remember my first ice storm in NJ. It was amazing. Everything was encased in ice. I drove through the forest reserve and it was like living in some animated fairy tale. It's also very dangerous because ice has a force of its own. At work yesterday a huge sheet if ice slide off the building. If anyone had been standing there they had a high likelihood of being killed. A tree branch will buckle under the weight of frozen ice and will break often times killing people. 

But from the inside looking out - its beautiful: 

 

THE GREAT PEA FAMINE OF 2014

Sooooo? Nooooo. I said snooooow. Like another 8-10 inches. 

I wandered into Trader Joes this evening because I was out of food and seriously people had ravaged the store. I was so utterly shocked "WTF? Is this Armageddon?" Slipped out before I could control myself. I figured I missed the news bulletin announcing an asteroid was about to hit the earth.  But apparently 8 inches of snow and people freak out. 

More disturbing than that was that they were out of peas. I know. Big deal you might say. But for me it is. I really have to stick to my paleo diet and it's hard. Tonight I had a moment where I suddenly had a profound level of sympathy for parents and children with peanut allergies or celiac disease etc. I wanted something simple like a scrambled egg and can't because eggs are something I'm apparently really allergic to. Who would have thought but it's an autoimmune trigger for me. Scrambled eggs with cheese and avocado is also one of my favorite meals ever. It's major comfort food for me. As a back up so is warm toast with peanut butter. But check it out I'm gluten intolerant so no bread AND are you ready for the mother of all insults? The doctor had also asked me to stay away from peanut butter. So incase I forgot to mention it I actually haven't had peanut butter in like 4 months. Now that is a HUGE deal for people that know me. Peanut butter was literally a food group and a staple in my diet for most of my life. 

I was having a moment today. So let me continue with Trader Joes. Long story short they were out of peas. No fresh peas. No frozen peas. I went to the frozen food guy and asked. He started nodding his head no before I finished my question and told me I was the 22nd person to ask. They were out. It's one of those moments were in my head I was actually trying to think of a different way to ask the question because that might get me a different answer. Yeah I hate people like that. And there I was being one of those idiots. I let out an audible noise that sounded like disparity. I asked if this was a thing. You know a pea shortage of mass levels. He suddenly took my question as more of a declaration and started speculating that "wow man maybe it IS serious".This is how rumors start. Two people in a grocery store. One is sarcastic by nature the other one has been taking hits off the whip cream cans in back and BOOM we have a pea famine on our hands. By the time I left the store the news had reached the checkout stands and I just looked surprised when the checker asked me if I'd heard there was a pea shortage. Shrugged my shoulders and said "wow who would have thought..." 

Peas are my new ice cream. My new treat. A big bowl of steamed peas with some butter and I almost forget all the good food I can't have. There I was in my kitchen literally on the verge of tears if I had to eat another piece of chicken or steak and broccoli. Literally I was going to f-r-e-a-k out people (all two of you that read this people). 

I then pulled my shit together, ate three lame pieces of bacon and some butter I mean some yams with butter and yes some mother' &$$@!) broccoli. 

And noooooow I'm watching the movie Troy and comforting myself with Brad Pitt in a lion cloth. 

BFF

GIRLIE

I saw this skirt in an Anthropology. It's something I would buy for one of my nieces. Perfect amount of girlie'ness. So I bought it for myself. Then I wore it over my jeans.