DID YPU REALLY JUST ASK THAT?

Sitting in my endocrine's office and the nurse is running through a list of questions:

"How would you describe your health these days?"m

"Yeeeees. How would you describe your health? You know...feeling great. Maybe under the weather..."

I just sat there. Speechless.

"Okay I'm not even sure what to say. Like I'm seriously speechless. Uh. Ah. Hmm. HOW ABOUT DEFCON FIVE!?!? I'm in an ENDOCRINES OFFICE! under the weather doesn't come close." 

Nurse is now equally stunned and we are now on equal playing ground. 

"Miss. Miss!? You look great though." 

I started to feel bad so I attempted to recoup "Look I'm sorry. My apologies. I'm sure you don't think these questions up on your own. They just pay you to go through the motions...I'm just on edge."

"I understand miss. What. Um. Hmmmm..." And she dragged out the hmmmm while her pen hovered over the paper looking at me. So I helped her out "Defcon five. Seriously you can write Defcon Five down. Tell them I made you do it if you have to. This is for real." And I looked her in the eye while I genuinely fought back tears. 

Nothing is worse than feeling defeated before the doctor even walks into the room. And defeated I was. It was just dripping down the walls of the examining room. It's like that scene in Star Wars when they are in the garbage compactor. Although I'm totally cool with being having my brains smashed in.

In enters the doctor.

"Soooo not the results I was hoping for. Even w the suppression you are still producing abnormal cortisol." 

On the inside (NO SHIT FUCKTARD!?!)

On the outside "I see. So what does that mean?"

Doctor "Well it's not a tumor so we are stumped. But I do not want to give you meds and I know you don't want meds. (Insert shoulder shrug.) Sooooo let's keep bringing you off the pill aaaannnnd hmmmmmmm. Do you exercise at all?" 

On the inside (ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?)

On the outside "I run my dog 2 miles a day and I do cross training 3 x a week and I've just added Pilates." 

Doctor "ooooooookaaaay. Hmmmm. That's goo..."

This is where I cut her off "I'm athletic to put it mildly. Have been for the last 20 years. HOW DO WE GET ME TO STOP PRODUCING CORTISOL!!!?!?! (Tears welling up in my eyes and I humbly uttered..." I am pleading with you Dr Ryan." 

Doctor "We would need to do what we are doing...ween off the pill and keep you exercising. Not much else we can do. Come back and see me in 6 months?"

"So basically  beyond medical intervention and the best I can hope for is a miracle? Seriously? We are talking true spontaneous miraculous healing? Like I need a witch doctor a minister or a Buddhist monk????" 

"Well noooooo I'm not saying thaaaat buuut....keep doing what your doing and come see me in 6 months." 

I suppressed the out right sobbing until I got to the parking lot where I trudged through the driving snow yelling and sobbing like a wild Yedi. 

So God...we need to talk. I need a miracle. And honestly I believe I deserve one. Seriously.