THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMM

I was at the post office this morning. I was at the stamp machine and behind me were two people having a conversation. The women left and the man continued putting his postage package together. He turned to me and asked "Miss may I ask you a question?" I said yes and he asked "if I had asked you for help (and he indicated towards his postage) what would you have said?" With slight introspective pause I rebounded with "Yes...why." He went on to explain his postage scenario which involved his ATM thing etc. I have to admit in the back of my mind I was worried about where this was going. Then I asked him a question "Why did you ask me? Why did you ask if I would help?" He gave me a real answer "Well I sensed you would but you would be worried if it was safe or ok to." He was right...so I commented "We'll isn't that natural? My inclination is to help though. My desire is to help...so I would have. I suppose we all want help and we all want to give help..." He just smiled and nodded politley. But he was right about my hesitation motivation. Is it natural to refrain? He asked if I had brothers I said no sisters...he smiled put his hands together, bowed his head and said God bless you and your family miss. I smiled sent him blessings as well and walked out. He was a normal capable person. He was simply having ATM issues that had been resolved in the moment. He gave me a lot to think about in that brief exchange. Normally I would chalk up the entire moment as a date with the divine. But my new mantra has been to ignore the signs. I chewed on the whole dynamic for a whole 10 min and my simple conclusion is that society - no make that people have become ass backwards. Seriously. Ass backwards.

BE OK

WHAT THE WHAT?

What the mother ---- eh...what? WTF!!!! I just found a white hair. For the love of cut me some slack!?! WTH!?!?! 

Will this acid trip just stop! Please?! I'm asking really nice - 

OUCH!

Age is a peculiar thing. Sometimes it slaps you in the back of the head and at other times it simply points its finger at you, mocking you with laughter. I was in a lunch spot picking up take out across the street from our office in NYC. In the afternoon they play thumping music and you can’t hear yourself think. The crowd gravitates towards young’ish. 42 sat in my stomach like a rock when I heard “children” behind me talking about the “ragger” they had lined up for the weekend. These “children” were dressed in suits – I’m not even sure they could shave yet but clearly they were fresh out of college. Lately I’ve been a little unhinged about my age. First let me clarify that age in and of itself does not bother me. I’m fine with the aging process. Based on my physical condition I can (for the most part) still get away with a lot. Today for example I’m rocking a tight fashionable dress and stilettos that can kinda still turn heads. I can knock out 4 miles a day and technology has yet to outpace me.  It has more to do with the where I am at this age. How little I’ve achieved at this age. How the window is closing(ed) on some of my dreams. What can you really get away with at 42? I’ve noticed that a mini skirt is just plain out of the question. I was trying a skirt on and realized that I could no longer wear whatever I wanted to. While I still contemplate a nose ring and a tattoo – I would probably also need to consider a career change. Maybe open up a soap shop in a beach town and give my earthly possessions. Which, by the way, is actually appealing. There is a complete shift or question of who I am. I felt more myself in my 20’s and early 30’s than I do now. I’m not sure how much of that was based on the possibilities still available to me. Versus how possibilities are seemingly not so much. At some point I wonder how much of myself I compromised to fit in and survive. How much of me is left in the rubble. How do I identify those pieces?

IT MUST BE

I remember the first time I heard the song “It Must Be Love” by Rickie Lee Jones….I was in love with this guy in Boston. We both loved the song. We were both living in the idea of love versus living in love. I couldn’t listen to that song for a long time after that breakup. My idea and faith in love shattered completely. I made a series of bad dating choices after that. I rediscovered the song recently though and the lyrics still provide the clearest definition of what love is to me.

 

It must be love that whispers in my ear
It must be love that we keep trying to hear
Cuz I imagined this kind of vvonderful choice
I imagine you hear the very same voice
When I speak to you
You say "That's just my imagination"
Oh no, no, no
It Must Be Love
It Must Be Love

Perhaps one girl who was moving in a fine line
Finds one boy in back
That she can always stand behind
And it's you and me
Cuz that's where we want to be
Oh, It Must Be Love,
It Must Be Love

People look through everything they see
Cuz there's so many other things to be
I have seen you walking in the rain
I wanted to know why you were crying
I wanna fix what's wrong...

It must be love the sailor sails for
Must be love that drives a bottle to the bottom of the ocean floor
Because I imagine all kinds of wonderful water
I would have you there wherever I'll go
Way from the seventh sea,
He brings the bottle back to me
Oh, It Must Be Love
Oh, It Must Be Love
People look through evervthing thev see
There's so many other things to be
I have seen you walking in the rain
I want to know whv vou were crying
Baby, let me fix what's wrong...

It must be love that fathoms the moonlight
Must be love that shallovvs
The deepest part of the night
So you can show them vvith vour eye
The things that make them cry,
Because that Must Be Love
It Must Be Love...
And the way you are
Must Be Love
And the things vou Feel
Oh, It Must Be Love,
Oh, It Must Be Love
Must Be Love

ALL THAT IS HOLY

I was just informed that they do not have desert either. I'm beside myself....

WTF?!?

I'm in NYC for work this week. Staying in a fairly hep hotel - I order room service and they call me back to inform me that they just ran out of mashed potatoes? Who the what? Is there a potato famine and no one told me?!? How is this possible? 

But in the meantime here is a shot of my disco bathtub (head shake):

And the fireplace:

WHEN

I wish that day would hurry the f'k up...

THE THINGS WE LEAVE BEHIND

So I tried reiki an acupuncture - I believe the acupuncture will work - the reiki on the other hand was strange though - and if I'm calling something strange that says something. I once saw a shaman and he told me to carry flowers in my pockets and my period came (while taking the pill straight through) I thought that made perfect sense. But reiki - reiki may have unnerved me. The reiki master said she was going to check my chakras and explained she never does that but felt compelled with me. She noted that while I was grounded as a person I was not rooted to the earth...that while I was clearly in a spiritual quest I was completely disconnected from the Devine. From the divine's side. Makes perfect sense in the most painful sense. My intuition was working fine (obviously not) and my third eye was brilliantly open (f'u). Oh and my heart chakra? Completely closed. Tight. Finally. I succeed at something! 

She worked on me for an hour. At the end I asked her what she saw. She was perplexed by my state of being. She said I had done a great job of clearing and getting rid of things but that I hadn't filled that space with anything. I was in essence an empty vessel. And she just looked at me. Made some comments about filling that space. And I stated "What if I just want to keep that space empty?" And she looked at me with a sense of composed shock. 

On Monday night I wrote a letter to God. I wrapped up all of my dreams and put them in a bag with the letter to bury in the earth. I read the letter and cried before packing it up. I went to bed and fell into what I refer to as the I between space. Which feels like a swoosh gravitational or magnetic pull into a vision of sorts. I saw an elephant and a man riding on brilliant white clouds...they were painted or dressed in bright pink and turquoise blue...I couldn't tell if the man an the elephant were one...it appeared they were. They looked at me directly in the eye - they kind I eye contact that pierces you. That is alive and real. Directly into you. I thought my gosh this is Ganesh!? Ganesh is the Hindu God of all Gods...his birth story reads like Jesus's in a way. While I do not follow Hinduism I am aware of it...Ganesh is half man half elephant and is the remover of obstacles. I woke suddenly and ignored it. At one time in my life it would have been a sign. But not these days. It did nag at me though. So I googled it. Monday is Ganesh's holiday/celebration day...go figure. Again some would consider this auspicious...but me? I'm ignoring it. 

SO TRUE

I feel like that's been my story my entire life....