As a reminder. This blog is truly an exercise and I do not expect anyone to read it. Therefore I'm a little raw in here. Its for my own purpose of periodically working through life moments.
So let's talk about the hole as I fondly refer to it. Back in December when my body was literally stopping. Meaning my body was working on taking a permanent vacation. The array of doctors that I was seeing started throwing medication at me in an attempt to fix what they didn't know was wrong. The problem turned out to by my adrenal gland (a current work in progress) the adrenal gland regulates ALL hormones. Hence my hormones were out of whack and when they initially started throwing more hormones at me they further got out of whack. You know how right before you start your period some people get weepy, some get agitated, the list goes on? Well this was literally 1000x worse and at high velocity. I woke up one morning in mid-December and I was in a deep abyss. A black hole.
I had spent most of my life in awe of what a happy person I was. It was literally like my body produced mad rushes of serotonin. Sure I would have moments like any other human. But in light of what I had maneuvered through in life, I was a pretty happy person who was well conditioned for maneuvering through obstacles and pitfalls. I was aware of depression and manic behavior. Unfortunately I grew up with it. I thought I was compassionate and understanding of said condition. That said - I was blissfully dumb. It was truly to a point where had my doctor been in town (he was in Africa) I had left him a vm suggesting he admit me into the hospital - I needed to be institutionalized. It was a down spiral at light speed. Somehow I compartmentalized every moment of my life for 2 weeks until he returned. His comment to me was simply "Well looks like you got yourself out of it..." I was dumb struck. He was a psychiatrist who had treated my mother. WTF. "Got myself out of it"? I simply able to function at the necessities. Hardly what I would call "out of it".
Everyday I kept wondering if this is what it was like for my Mom. All I could think was this is the state she existed in for most of my life? How?! I didn't think I was going to make it through the next 24hrs and she lived 27 years like this. I had a new appreciation for people who suffer through depression. In my life it was a moment. For some people they are white knuckling it everyday of their lives. I use to think depression was a state of mind. And I'm sure in some cases it is. For others, probably a majority it is a true biological event. It's scary when you don't know what is happening with your body and even scarier when you can't control it or think your way out of it. I wondered the whole time "what is the purpose of this?" and "Why am I having to experience this." I have a bad habit of attaching a reason to everything..."This moment is happening so I can better...." or "I'm going through this now because....".
I know this moment has enabled me to truly appreciate and understand from the inside what depression can be like. I feel enormously compassionate towards people who have to maneuver life with this challenge. My full heart goes out to those people. I learned at a different level being that the real reason for all this was that my adrenal gland was failing (due to constant stress) that I DO NOT need to do it all for everyone. I am learning to just take care of myself. I'm learning who family is and isn't and that just because they are family DOES NOT mean they have to be a part of my life. I'm learning that in the grand scheme of life not a lot is that important that it gets to affect me. I'm starting to care a lot less about EVERYTHING.
Things are still a little unstable over here and there are moments when the hole feels like a vacuum trying to suck me in. Or I feel like I'm standing too close to the edge with a case of vertigo. But I work at just "breathing" my way out of it or "thinking" my way out it. Sometimes it works.
If you are a happy person - be grateful you are happy. If are suffering from any level or grade of the blues....My heart goes out to you.
Sorry this post was a little messy.
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