No I don't know what I'm doing. But I do know I can't keep doing what I've been doing. That much is painfully clear and painfully loud. And despite my best efforts at coming up with a plan there have been no lightening bolt ideas. SOOOO I'm simply going to change what hasn't been working and the rest has just kinda been happening. I have control issues so I'm not really familiar or practiced in this form of decision making. Sure my family would have described me as "fly by the seat of her pants" but the truth is I normally had a vision or a driving desire of some kind. These days I'm fresh out of desire and I have no drive. Just the knowing that I can't sit in the current "present" or I will, truly and totally implode. Completely self destruct. I can feel it growing inside of me. Swelling like a whirlpool, threatening to pull me down under the water where I will disapear into the dark abyss of the ocean.
While that is appealing...the idea of just complete surrender to darkness at this hour...believe it or not even the darkness won't take me. So here I sit in blissful nothingness. Okay its' not blissful but fuck, give me a break.
Two quotes do resonate in my non-resonating space:
"Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith"
Margaret Shepard
"As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul"
Whatever that means - it seems to make me go "Ah. Hmmm? I guess."
So being that I can't stay here any more I'm going to move there....mostly because its the only place I could get immediate approval to move. Plus for some unkown reason the path to there kinda happened on its own. Meaning in an effortless fashion...the door swung open. So like Alice in Wonderland I supose, I will, well walk through the door. If I'm remotely lucky there will be hallucnigenic mushrooms....Really that's all I'm hoping for at the moment. A nice acid trip with some bright colors. I would prefer no talking animals though.
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