SO LETS TALK SIGNS

My moniker went from "musings from against the grain" to "ignoring the signs" because that's where I've kind of ended up these days. Since I can remember I've always seen signs. Real stuff. And I believed that like a trail of breadcrumbs of sorts they were leading me somewhere. But really I've come to this place where I'm really thinking the joke's been on me. That my friend is not a fun place to be. At all. It's dark here. I was discussing that with a friend and realized she didn't really get what I meant by signs - so I kinda took her down the rabbit hole/acid trip of my life.

For a very long time I use to see hearts everywhere - normally at down moments... I thought these were signs of hope. An example of hearts? Exhibit A

One morning in NJ I came out to my car (during the initial down spiral this occurred ) opened up my car door and there was this fairly large spiderweb in the shape of a heart covering my drivers side. I was in awe - I couldn't imagine how a spider created that web in the matter of hours since I'd been in the car last. This is what I mean by signs - they've been big in my life. The heart thing continues for awhile. In Vegas for my first show I remember being exhausted - my body was crashing unknown to me. I laid in my hotel room every night crying trying to calm myself with the mantra my therapist gave me "let the love in" over and over until I'd fall asleep. It was cyclical everyday. The last day I was wandering into the bathroom at night (at this event) and there was a bunch of paper on the ground in the shape of a heart - while I was use to this - I was DONE - so I yelled out loud (because I'm crazy and don't care who hears me) "WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? WHERE IS THIS LEADING ME DAMMIT!!??" And then I dunno an hour later? A few minutes later we were all standing in a group and I broke off to talk to this guy I barely knew at the time but had a feeling about. He had tattoos on his arms he'd shown me but was kinda being secretive about the one on his leg. So I asked one more time to see it - he said yeah and explained he just didn't want to show me in front of everyone - he knelt down and pulled up his pant leg and there on his calf was an abstract tattoo of a heart open at the top and at the bottom...I should mention we were both a little drunk at this moment...and I was dumb struck. He started to ramble on about the design significance and might have said something about a broken heart...and all I could utter in my drunk-en-mess as he pointed out the openings at the top and bottom was "...so you can still let the love in...yeah hmmm" and then he looked at me dumbstruck and said "wow...I've never had anyone describe it that way before...but yeah I guess" We both just stared at each other....

I came home from that show went to work the next day and had an apple for breakfast: 

I couldn't make this up if I tried - that heart shape came out in one bite. F'Me. 

At this point of the story it probably feels magical but life doesn't work like that. At least not for me. 

So skipping this part of the story I will say that all was beautiful then it got messy - I was (am) messy. One Saturday I was particularly frustrated and thought maybe I'd drive to the church near where I use to live at the beach. I use to go and sit in front of this beautiful Mary statue and contemplate the divine. I had time they didn't  lock the doors until dusk. I drive an HOUR PLUS...the doors were locked. My frustration tripled....then it quadrupled...I sat in the parking lot talking to a mural of Mary wondering why I came all this way, what was the point? I pull into traffic and get cut off by this 

I was once again dumbstruck - I mean come on?! What are the f'n odds? There is an exactness to this note that I can't even begin to explain to anyone on the outside of this story. 

I suppose one can take that sign on faith. I'm trying to. But it's really hard. You'd have to understand more of the story and to be honest I'm way to fragile these days to share that much vulnerability right now. I can say this (again) I'm feeling like the the divine has...well...I'm just not sure I believe in signs anymore. Or happy endings. I mean really I suppose all I really wanted was a happy beginning...a place to start the mad adventure from. It just doesn't seem like those things are meant for me though.