Jack Nicholson - A Few Good Med. My Dad loved that line - whenever we were having an argument or discussion - it would inevitably come down to that line and we would both start laughing.
I'm not really laughing today....I'm crying only I'm unable to cry. So I write. The physical phenomena of not being able to cry but needing and wanting to has something to do with whats going on with my body. A good cry would feel good but I can't for some reason.
Instead I'm sitting on the stairs of an empty house I'm renting with my head in my hands wondering WTF I'm doing.
I'm 2700 miles away from the people I love. I'm near a guy who is so skittish its not even funny and is obsessed with the idea of Florida and moving there in the near future. I'm near an office with a ton of nice people who to be honest annoy me a bit. I'm 2700 miles away from my boss who is a bit possessive. I do not have hot water. I do not have any of my "things". And I have no idea if this cortisol thing is EVER going to resolve itself because it keeps getting worse.
A few days ago Jim and I were standing in Devils Canyon throwing rocks into it to see how far down they would go, standing still in awe of nature and listening to the wind hiss through the canyon. I looked over and saw a jetty of rocks and for an instant thought how cool I'm going to go stand on it and be "on the edge" how brave and cool will that be! And as I was walking over to it I thought why? I know I can do it? I don't need to challenge myself anymore...I know what I'm capable of. I realized in that moment the "thrill" was gone. I've spent a lifetime proving to myself "I can do it". Now I'm kinda over it. I know what I can do. It was a weird moment of understanding things about myself and the dynamic of life.
The younger me would have thought no hot water was a challenge and embraced it. Just to prove that I could live under unreasonable circumstances and achieve. Not so much anymore. F'ck I know what I can do. So again I say to the universe - Just cut me some slack. I'm tired of how things are going and now you've got me believing I don't deserve a happy begining.
I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not even sure if I'm going to be okay with that. I want the present to feel better. I know I can't go back. I was not happy in California at all. I was fairly depressed. I'm just not feeling as good as I thought I would here.
I know, I know, I know "Wherever you go there you are...." I didn't expect a miracle - I just didn't expect this.
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