WALKING ON BROKEN GLASS

Standing in my dining room having just shattered three glass Christmas bulbs. Standing there in bare feet looking around thinking I can't step anywhere without cutting my feet...a sinking sigh escaped me an I thought "f'ck...this is my life....all my shattered dreams are around me..." Then, like I've done my entire life over an over...I carefully stepped over the broken pieces and cleaned the mess up

WHAT THE!?!?

Are you kidding me?! I can't get into my car this morning because it is FROZEN SHUT!? 

TRYING VS ALLOWING

Eddie Vedder's Better Days lyrics 

I feel part of the universe...
open up to meet me
my emotion so submerged...
broken down to kneeling

what's listening?... voices they care...

had to somehow greet myself... read myself
heard vibrations within my cells... in my cells

Singin' laaa...

my love is saved for the universe...
see me now I'm bursting
on one planet so many turns...
different worlds

singin' laaa...

fill my heart with discipline...
put there for the teaching
in my head see clouds of stairs...
help me as I'm reaching

the future's paved... with better days

I'm running... from something
I'm running towards the day... wide awake

all whispered... once quiet
now rising to a scream... right in me

I'm fallin'... free fallin'
world's calling me... up off my knees

oh, I'm soaring... yeah, and darling
you'll be the one that I can need..... still be free

our future's paved with better days.

HOME???

Lyrics to two songs that rattle me deeply on the abstract idea of home. 

"Home"

Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Ooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. Oo-oo-oo-oo [x2]

Aaa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa. Aa-aa-aa-aaaaaa [x4]

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

And the other lyrics...

"Are We There Yet"

They say that home is where the heart is

I guess I haven't found my home

And we keep driving round in circles

Afraid to call this place our own

And are we there yet?

They say there's linings made of silver

Folded inside each raining cloud

Well, we need someone to deliver

Our silver lining now

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

Home, home, home

Home, home, home

They say you're really not somebody

Until somebody else loves you

Well, I am waiting to make somebody

Somebody soon

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

Home, home, home

Home, home, home

Where you will lie on the rug

While I play with the dog

And it won't be too much

'Cause this is too much

'Cause this is too much for me to hold

This is too much for me to hold

Home, home, home

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

Home, home, home

Home, home, home, home

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there?

SNOW

By tomorrow morning it might start snowing. Probably only for a few hours. I will try to contain my child like giddy-ness. 

I was walking outside tonight and I could smell snow coming. There is this amazing thing with the air. It's sure cold and dry. You breathe in an you can smell snow. The air feels über clean when you breathe in. And the sky tonight was super dark blue and the stars were extra bright in a perfectly clear sky - I can see the white snow clouds in the horizon. 

I feel like a kid. Snow is silly that way. It's innocent in a way. I can't describe winter - it's just amazing to me. 

LINE FROM A MOVIE

"I just wanted someone to take care of me for a change.." 

Amen. 

MY NEW FAVORITE THING

Last year I bought my niece a pair ofMinnetonka  ankle boot moccasins. I was quietly envious because I love moccasins but the reality was I had no real practical use for them. I know what your thinking - when have I ever been practical about shoes? But honestly there is a method to madness. Anyhow living back in the seasons and the elements you really do need a wider collection of shoes. So for the last month I'd been chewing on these. They are not Minnetonka - as much as I live those I needed something with more support and a thicker sole. These are Woolrich and they have a flannel lining and thick rubber soles which will work with rain and snow. I am in love. I wear these all day long! And speaking of snow - we might get some next week. I need to go but a shovel for my walkway and my driveway. Thank goodness I'm able to work from home. 

GRATITUDE

Day 3: I am grateful for Amazon.com. (And the Angels sang in the background) 

FALL

Went for a walk yesterday - it was perfect. What you may or may not be able to see is the squirrel in some of these. The afternoon sun through these leaves is insane - I could live in fall for the rest of my life! 

BRIGHT THINGS

What you can't see in this picture is the bright orange and yellow and red leaves that I see every morning I open my eyes out that window in the room across from mine. Which is empty except for my exercise stuff....

GRATEFUL FOR SIMPLE

My fireplace is not something I'm going to use - mostly because my TV sits on the mantel above it (and the landlord is not sure it's operational...) What I have done though is put a huge round candle in it and to be honest that's good enough. It casts a sweet warm glow. So there I sat with a glow in the fireplace knitting baby blankets for nieces and nephews with fall outside my window my dog curled up next to me and I thought I am grateful for this moment. And so it was. 

GRATEFUL

Laying in bed (early) listening to an older Adele album (titled 19)...I've got my dog at my feet. The street lamp outside and the crisp smell of Autumn in the night air. Today was the perfect fall day. I am grateful and my heart feels peaceful today. I have a good job. My fridge has good food. It's a good moment where I feel fully grateful. I relax into trusting and knowing I have what I need and I'm lucky. I'm not worrying about tomorrow. It thinking about what could go wrong. Just trusting it will all go right. 

CAME HOME TO THIS

I flew back to PA on a red eye and it was still good and dark when I landed at 5:30am....the sky had a peak of gray to it by the time I got to the house. 

I crawled into bed with all my cloths on (the house was freezing) I fell hard asleep and woke up at 7am to soft rain and Autumn outside my window...

Beautiful. 

FALL

No matter how manic it might all be there is this magic that happens called fall...and it absolutely brings a sense of peace and joy inside of me. I live nature and can't wait to walk Riddley Creek park this weekend. While I was away this last few weeks Fall snuck in and made it all beautiful....

  

DO YOU EVER

Get tired of your own voice thinking? I'm so tired of listening to myself. F'me. 

MEASURING TIME

I'm laying bed with the window slightly open...it's a fall evening and its just after a rain. The wind blow the leaves and the crickets sing. I love this. The clouds move spread out across the sky where an almost full moon shines bright white casting amazing iridescent shadows...these are my favorite nights. Tonight is why I moved back east. A year ago I laid in bed in a small apartment listening to traffic wiz by below. i had 700 square feet of granite counter tops in southern California. Tonight I have an old bathroom that reminds me of my grandparents house....two stories of creaking floors...built ins from 1940 and a kitchen that is...well hard to describe.  That night, the eve of everything that began the forward motion bringing me to the present. Some of that was miraculous and some of it was pretty dark. It's really where a journey ended and another one began. They say whata difference a day can make...but sometimes it's longer...a year has stretched out since that night and I'm sure I still have far to go. But for this moment I will lay in wonder and blissful gratitude of the night that stretches before me. 

WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHO I AM

Spending a lot of time wondering who I am and how I fit into the world. How are we defined anyways? So much of I was came about through survival. My reacting to the world and my environmental circumstances versus my be-ing in the world. I remember pieces of myself. But never the whole. There are moments now where I connect and think "oh me! This is me!" And then as quickly as that moment washes over me - it washes through me and is gone....there I am standing on the center of the dance floor alone. 

PEACE

Pearl Jam fan? I am. Their new album came out today...Future Days is my favorite song....it's like a lullaby I can just cry myself to sleep to.

"Back when I was feeling broken I focused on a prayer. You came deep as any ocean. Did something out there hear?" 

Oh my - the melody brings me peace. I wish life was as simple as that song. 

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMM

I was at the post office this morning. I was at the stamp machine and behind me were two people having a conversation. The women left and the man continued putting his postage package together. He turned to me and asked "Miss may I ask you a question?" I said yes and he asked "if I had asked you for help (and he indicated towards his postage) what would you have said?" With slight introspective pause I rebounded with "Yes...why." He went on to explain his postage scenario which involved his ATM thing etc. I have to admit in the back of my mind I was worried about where this was going. Then I asked him a question "Why did you ask me? Why did you ask if I would help?" He gave me a real answer "Well I sensed you would but you would be worried if it was safe or ok to." He was right...so I commented "We'll isn't that natural? My inclination is to help though. My desire is to help...so I would have. I suppose we all want help and we all want to give help..." He just smiled and nodded politley. But he was right about my hesitation motivation. Is it natural to refrain? He asked if I had brothers I said no sisters...he smiled put his hands together, bowed his head and said God bless you and your family miss. I smiled sent him blessings as well and walked out. He was a normal capable person. He was simply having ATM issues that had been resolved in the moment. He gave me a lot to think about in that brief exchange. Normally I would chalk up the entire moment as a date with the divine. But my new mantra has been to ignore the signs. I chewed on the whole dynamic for a whole 10 min and my simple conclusion is that society - no make that people have become ass backwards. Seriously. Ass backwards.

BE OK

WHAT THE WHAT?

What the mother ---- eh...what? WTF!!!! I just found a white hair. For the love of cut me some slack!?! WTH!?!?! 

Will this acid trip just stop! Please?! I'm asking really nice - 

OUCH!

Age is a peculiar thing. Sometimes it slaps you in the back of the head and at other times it simply points its finger at you, mocking you with laughter. I was in a lunch spot picking up take out across the street from our office in NYC. In the afternoon they play thumping music and you can’t hear yourself think. The crowd gravitates towards young’ish. 42 sat in my stomach like a rock when I heard “children” behind me talking about the “ragger” they had lined up for the weekend. These “children” were dressed in suits – I’m not even sure they could shave yet but clearly they were fresh out of college. Lately I’ve been a little unhinged about my age. First let me clarify that age in and of itself does not bother me. I’m fine with the aging process. Based on my physical condition I can (for the most part) still get away with a lot. Today for example I’m rocking a tight fashionable dress and stilettos that can kinda still turn heads. I can knock out 4 miles a day and technology has yet to outpace me.  It has more to do with the where I am at this age. How little I’ve achieved at this age. How the window is closing(ed) on some of my dreams. What can you really get away with at 42? I’ve noticed that a mini skirt is just plain out of the question. I was trying a skirt on and realized that I could no longer wear whatever I wanted to. While I still contemplate a nose ring and a tattoo – I would probably also need to consider a career change. Maybe open up a soap shop in a beach town and give my earthly possessions. Which, by the way, is actually appealing. There is a complete shift or question of who I am. I felt more myself in my 20’s and early 30’s than I do now. I’m not sure how much of that was based on the possibilities still available to me. Versus how possibilities are seemingly not so much. At some point I wonder how much of myself I compromised to fit in and survive. How much of me is left in the rubble. How do I identify those pieces?

IT MUST BE

I remember the first time I heard the song “It Must Be Love” by Rickie Lee Jones….I was in love with this guy in Boston. We both loved the song. We were both living in the idea of love versus living in love. I couldn’t listen to that song for a long time after that breakup. My idea and faith in love shattered completely. I made a series of bad dating choices after that. I rediscovered the song recently though and the lyrics still provide the clearest definition of what love is to me.

 

It must be love that whispers in my ear
It must be love that we keep trying to hear
Cuz I imagined this kind of vvonderful choice
I imagine you hear the very same voice
When I speak to you
You say "That's just my imagination"
Oh no, no, no
It Must Be Love
It Must Be Love

Perhaps one girl who was moving in a fine line
Finds one boy in back
That she can always stand behind
And it's you and me
Cuz that's where we want to be
Oh, It Must Be Love,
It Must Be Love

People look through everything they see
Cuz there's so many other things to be
I have seen you walking in the rain
I wanted to know why you were crying
I wanna fix what's wrong...

It must be love the sailor sails for
Must be love that drives a bottle to the bottom of the ocean floor
Because I imagine all kinds of wonderful water
I would have you there wherever I'll go
Way from the seventh sea,
He brings the bottle back to me
Oh, It Must Be Love
Oh, It Must Be Love
People look through evervthing thev see
There's so many other things to be
I have seen you walking in the rain
I want to know whv vou were crying
Baby, let me fix what's wrong...

It must be love that fathoms the moonlight
Must be love that shallovvs
The deepest part of the night
So you can show them vvith vour eye
The things that make them cry,
Because that Must Be Love
It Must Be Love...
And the way you are
Must Be Love
And the things vou Feel
Oh, It Must Be Love,
Oh, It Must Be Love
Must Be Love

ALL THAT IS HOLY

I was just informed that they do not have desert either. I'm beside myself....

WTF?!?

I'm in NYC for work this week. Staying in a fairly hep hotel - I order room service and they call me back to inform me that they just ran out of mashed potatoes? Who the what? Is there a potato famine and no one told me?!? How is this possible? 

But in the meantime here is a shot of my disco bathtub (head shake):

And the fireplace:

WHEN

I wish that day would hurry the f'k up...

THE THINGS WE LEAVE BEHIND

So I tried reiki an acupuncture - I believe the acupuncture will work - the reiki on the other hand was strange though - and if I'm calling something strange that says something. I once saw a shaman and he told me to carry flowers in my pockets and my period came (while taking the pill straight through) I thought that made perfect sense. But reiki - reiki may have unnerved me. The reiki master said she was going to check my chakras and explained she never does that but felt compelled with me. She noted that while I was grounded as a person I was not rooted to the earth...that while I was clearly in a spiritual quest I was completely disconnected from the Devine. From the divine's side. Makes perfect sense in the most painful sense. My intuition was working fine (obviously not) and my third eye was brilliantly open (f'u). Oh and my heart chakra? Completely closed. Tight. Finally. I succeed at something! 

She worked on me for an hour. At the end I asked her what she saw. She was perplexed by my state of being. She said I had done a great job of clearing and getting rid of things but that I hadn't filled that space with anything. I was in essence an empty vessel. And she just looked at me. Made some comments about filling that space. And I stated "What if I just want to keep that space empty?" And she looked at me with a sense of composed shock. 

On Monday night I wrote a letter to God. I wrapped up all of my dreams and put them in a bag with the letter to bury in the earth. I read the letter and cried before packing it up. I went to bed and fell into what I refer to as the I between space. Which feels like a swoosh gravitational or magnetic pull into a vision of sorts. I saw an elephant and a man riding on brilliant white clouds...they were painted or dressed in bright pink and turquoise blue...I couldn't tell if the man an the elephant were one...it appeared they were. They looked at me directly in the eye - they kind I eye contact that pierces you. That is alive and real. Directly into you. I thought my gosh this is Ganesh!? Ganesh is the Hindu God of all Gods...his birth story reads like Jesus's in a way. While I do not follow Hinduism I am aware of it...Ganesh is half man half elephant and is the remover of obstacles. I woke suddenly and ignored it. At one time in my life it would have been a sign. But not these days. It did nag at me though. So I googled it. Monday is Ganesh's holiday/celebration day...go figure. Again some would consider this auspicious...but me? I'm ignoring it. 

SO TRUE

I feel like that's been my story my entire life....

SOMETHING FROM SOMEWHERE

Because you speak to me in words and I look at you with feelings

HMMM

Line from a movie "I like the way the people see life as a privilege not a right..."

Maybe that's part of my problem these days...it feels more like a sentence...a purgatory of sorts...like a punishment. 

DO YOU EVER

Think that maybe all of it is just a lie? The whole thing...life in general? 

HUH?

What f'ing ever...

CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC

Back when I realized I was sick my gut reaction was to simply stop everything and let my body heal itself. I was afraid though. When you are that sick and your symptoms are exacerbated its difficult to trust yourself much less medical professionals. That instinct has continued to nag at me ever since. I've been working with a couple of doctors out here and we are coming to the conclusion that coming off of everything and letting my body heal itself with minimal external intervention would be best. This makes me happy and makes me scared as hell. I still have two more key appointments with my doctors so we will see. But I can say I feel optimistic. 

AWKWARD

I'm in the wrong meeting and can't actually get up and leave.

Awkward.

IF I COULD BE THERE

HMMMM

HMMM

WITH YOUR GHOST TONIGHT

I wake....it's 2:30am...I can never sleep....this ache keeps waking me...deep in my soul where my heart use to beat. I stare out the window my eyelids are heavy against the shadows of moonlight...I hear more than I see....the night noises...crickets and the wind...restless through the leaves....I search the night sky....constellations...searching for sighs of God...wondering if I'm heard. And the tears quietly start...and the dark clouds stretch in. I try to remember what it felt like to rest in your gaze...what the sound of your voice was like and kind touch of your skin....the deep calm in your stare. 

Was it just a cruel dream? I fear....it must have been...

HMMM NOW THAT'S SOMETHING TO PONDER

TRUE

So true huh...

SERENE MOMENTS

There were so many moments driving across America....

CAN YOU?

One of my favorite lines lately...

"There is always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty but I like that with all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same about yourself fucker? Huh can you? Can you forgive? Are you any good at that?" 

Can you? I'm so hungry about the idea of being able to love all the parts of my self. But so lost on how to get there. Forgiveness seems like the easy part except for when it come to forgiving myself.

F'ck

SWEET SMELL OF SALT AIR

*sigh

OR PERHAPS NOT

Or not

LET THE SKY OPEN

And rain down...

GUARD DOG (NOT)

Phase 1:

Phase 2:

Phase 3:

INSIDE

Some thing are evoked from inside our soul and we can't control those things. I wish I could. I wish I could desensitize my heart....I love that song by Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb. God I wish I could achieve that but I won't ever do drugs. 

I was recently asked by a shaman how he could help me and I explained that I felt my connection to the divine was broken...and that my heart has lost it's sense of conviction....He was at a loss for words. 

I hate when that happens...and it's been happening a lot lately....

FAVORITE SOUNDS

My favorite noises:

The sound of rain really coming down...I woke in the middle of the night to that sound and my heart smiled as I drifted back to sleep....

The sound of the wind through the leaves...I love that! 

It's amazing that even when life is a complete mess something so simple can still make me smile...

THE VIEW TODAY

My office view today

Working from home....

It's only August 14 but it's kind of a nice crisp fall morning...with a crisp breeze blowing through the leaves....

DEAR BILL

I've had a rough go and it would really lift my spirits if you and the Pats could stomp on the Birds tonight. 

I'm here in Philly and if it wasn't for my general fear of being mugged, stabbed (or much worse) I would go buy a ticket to tonight's game. But let's face it. A girl dressed in a Patriots hoodie outside the Eagles stadium at 7pm at night is like tying chum to a kids bathing suit and letting them swim out in the ocean water of cape cod (where schools of great whites have been reported) 

I'm not really in the mood to have the blue beat out me. Some might question my team loyalty but honestly I like to think I'm just practicing good survival skills. 

THE VIEW FROM HERE

The view from the office today. It's three stories of glass and metal modern architecture in the forest of PA. So outside is a dense forest of equally tall trees am running water. 

Kinda cool.

ARE YOU IN?

It's like skull and bones over here. They tap you on the shoulder and it begins....I'm worried in the next phase of me telling them no they are just going to show up on my lawn w the company hellicopter in the middle of the night, shove a pillow case over my head and make me take the job. 

No means no. Really. 

NO NO NO

I'd like to place a complaint with the universe. WTF is up with the lack of general everything. You can't have what you want but we'll give you a few once in a lifetime opportunities that you don't want. How's that?! How's that you ask!?!? F' that! 

I don't want it. 

THE MANY IRONIES IN LIFE

I'm walking down a row of cubicles to decline a job a lot would die to have. Their cubicles are lined with wedding pictures and baby announcements. I quietly cry inside. Try to convince me - try to convince them life no matter what we tell ourselves is unfair. 

Screaming unfair. 

GEEEZ

I remember noting that when my parents read labels they had to hole stuff further away in order to read it. I thought this was odd and funny. 

It's not so funny anymore....yeah. 

FASHION TIP

Just an interesting fashion textile thing. If you ever need to "stretch" out a pair of jeans or a skirt - as long as it is cotton based fabric (cotton, linen...denim which is cotton more or less...) you can stretch it by getting said article of clothing wet and them wearing it over an existing article of clothing. Confused? Exhibit A. I have a pair o jeans I could use a little more room in. I pulled them out of the washer and pulled them on over an existing pair of jeans I was wearing. I sit In them for about an hour (while I'm multi tasking). Strange? Maybe. Effective? Yes. 

The dog looked at me like I was nuts. I did the same thing w a linen cotton skirt a few weeks ago and I swear by this technique. 

Try it.  

NEVER THOUGHT I

Would say this but I hope the summer stretches a bit more. I woke up this morning to a sunny but crisp day. It made me nervous. While I'm not a fan of desert heat and dirt I do live humid lush days of green. I'm so cold sensitive I kinda need it to keep me warm. I have no idea when summer ends here or when fall begins? I will of course document it with photos when it does arrive. 

In the meantime lets talk movies. What are your favorites these days? I live silver lining and have been watching some of the classics like Alien and Top Gun....and Jaws. 

JUST SO YOU KNOW

I chose you tonight. Over and over and over again. My heart, my mind = we all chose you. 

DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES

I spoke to two people tonight and that was it. The first was my friend and hair stylist Greg...he is normally a very up person and our time together (my hair appointments) are usually loud obnoxious and fun...he owns the salon so f'it it's ok. Tonight he had a bunch of stuff under his skin that was festering and I had my own load of festering sadness. We talked and I listened. It's growing pains and a life moment that's stretching out for him. Part of it is the  cost one pays for the road less traveled and this I understand. The energy was more introspective than normal, the vibe is always peaceful.  G is a surfer and he carries that with him. He moves in time and in sync with the earth. It's a quality about him. But in contrast is the turmoil that he wrestles with, that which is himself seeking something that is beyond either his reach or his ability to "know" it. 

I understand this because My own sense of nirvana eludes me too. Our battle cry is the same "cut me some slack". 

In contrast I spoke to my sister this evening over the phone. She is a new mom struggling with the heart warming chaos of babies. Two of them. But yet in her voice was a sweet calm I had never heard in her before and I wondered with great awareness if this was the sound and vibration of having finally received the gift of a soul longing? Having finally had her complete dream come true? If so her voice sounded like it should feel. A deep sense of peace, and a centeredness of the soul. And I was happy for her. 

And I wonder....

PERSPECTIVE

I almost took Route 3 coming out of the Lincoln Tunnel on my way back to PA from NYC tonight. It was almost out of habit - Route 3 would take me home to Montclair. It's strange how going through the Lincoln Tunnel is comforting to me...and how seeing signs for NJ can make me smile. NJ is not that great (it's also not that bad...) but I suppose the smile is from some sense of accomplishment or in vet achievement. Weird right? But there is a sense of accomplishment knowing you can survive in a challenging environment. I may not have knocked it out of the park when I lived there - but I swung and hit the ball. I made it under unusual circumstances and I feel good about that. I guess I finally got what NJ meant to me. When you can do gritty or make it through by your wits that's something. 

I GET IT BUT I CAN'T GET IT

Speaking of therapy (eye roll) something that has been driven into me by my therapist and what keeps popping up in front of my eyes (although, as stated, I know longer believe in signs...) is the need to acknowledge my own worth. I might as well be attempting to summitt Mt. Everest. I don't even know how to explain that. It seems so easy for some people. If there was a pill I could take or a tonic I could drink to achieve this I would.

FINALLY

What does it mean when even your therapist sighs heavy and says "I wish I had something for you in this moment, but I don't..." and then he cries with you?

I don't even know what to do with that. Either that means he finally gets it. Or it really is....what it is.

THE SMALL THINGS I GUESS

My day is ending where my week will begin - a nice hotel (I lie, a five star hotel w a lot of somebody's walking around) in the meat packing district of Manhattan. One of our offices is close by. I chose here because they live dogs:

I'm across the street from the Kate Spade new store that just opened this weekend - I just walked Kirby by the Christian Loubitian (sp) store and the shoes I've been admiring forever are in the front window. A known actor (older) was at the check in counter and said to me "Do I know you?" (I was wearing my Jackie O sunglasses in doors???) to which I said "NO" in an unfortunately rude tone. 

The sun glasses were to hide my sallow face. But in a place where there seems to be a lot of somebody's I suppose a woman with her dog, sun glasses and a casually understated outfit draws attention. Back in the day I would be having a moment. But right now?  Simply wondering when the hole in my chest will stop aching. 

(Over looking thee place to be...)

I get into the elevator with Kirby - a group of kids follow me in - drunk - going to the penthouse - penthouses here are 10-15k - she asks me to come party with them - I say (with my sunglasses still on in a near pitch black elevator) what's the occasion? She is turning 26. I avoid the urge to burst into tears and begin a rant as long as the holland tunnel. Instead I feel compelled to blurt out the fact that I  am 42 (Wtf I'm still 41!?) bad form.Thank goodness they were too self involved to care.

Some external pleasures pale to the deeper longings of our heart. 

POSITIVE THOUGHT

Watching a surf document when Laird Hamilton comments on the realization of self "when you experience the most deepest sense of who you are..."

And I realize there have been a few moments when I actually had that feeling - I sense of complete connection within my self. 

The essence of those moments was wandering driving into an unknown. Completely free from everything. I always assume everybody else has that all the time - perhaps that's not the case and a moment of nirvana should be enough. 

THE WAY OF THE....

"In order to have it all you must lose everything.."

Every spiritual practice today echoes this dogma. Ive got to wonder though if in losing everything you simply grow detached through disenchantment and thus suddenly only through complete detachment having it all is really about having nothing and being detached from the fact that you have nothing? 

Confused? It's really simple I guess. Well if you can detach right? 

LINE FROM A MOVIE

"I just haven't met the right guy yet"

"Bullshit - who wouldn't want a girl like you...You are just afraid to let them in because if you do and they reject you it hurts worse than death"

Yes, it does. 

I KID YOU NOT

It's so hot and humid out my sunglasses keep fogging up and I could not wear them. 

Dude. 

THE SUBURBAN LIFE OF A DOG

HOW POETIC AND TRUE

Line from a movie "Without love there is nothing".

True. 

SO LETS TALK SIGNS

My moniker went from "musings from against the grain" to "ignoring the signs" because that's where I've kind of ended up these days. Since I can remember I've always seen signs. Real stuff. And I believed that like a trail of breadcrumbs of sorts they were leading me somewhere. But really I've come to this place where I'm really thinking the joke's been on me. That my friend is not a fun place to be. At all. It's dark here. I was discussing that with a friend and realized she didn't really get what I meant by signs - so I kinda took her down the rabbit hole/acid trip of my life.

For a very long time I use to see hearts everywhere - normally at down moments... I thought these were signs of hope. An example of hearts? Exhibit A

One morning in NJ I came out to my car (during the initial down spiral this occurred ) opened up my car door and there was this fairly large spiderweb in the shape of a heart covering my drivers side. I was in awe - I couldn't imagine how a spider created that web in the matter of hours since I'd been in the car last. This is what I mean by signs - they've been big in my life. The heart thing continues for awhile. In Vegas for my first show I remember being exhausted - my body was crashing unknown to me. I laid in my hotel room every night crying trying to calm myself with the mantra my therapist gave me "let the love in" over and over until I'd fall asleep. It was cyclical everyday. The last day I was wandering into the bathroom at night (at this event) and there was a bunch of paper on the ground in the shape of a heart - while I was use to this - I was DONE - so I yelled out loud (because I'm crazy and don't care who hears me) "WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? WHERE IS THIS LEADING ME DAMMIT!!??" And then I dunno an hour later? A few minutes later we were all standing in a group and I broke off to talk to this guy I barely knew at the time but had a feeling about. He had tattoos on his arms he'd shown me but was kinda being secretive about the one on his leg. So I asked one more time to see it - he said yeah and explained he just didn't want to show me in front of everyone - he knelt down and pulled up his pant leg and there on his calf was an abstract tattoo of a heart open at the top and at the bottom...I should mention we were both a little drunk at this moment...and I was dumb struck. He started to ramble on about the design significance and might have said something about a broken heart...and all I could utter in my drunk-en-mess as he pointed out the openings at the top and bottom was "...so you can still let the love in...yeah hmmm" and then he looked at me dumbstruck and said "wow...I've never had anyone describe it that way before...but yeah I guess" We both just stared at each other....

I came home from that show went to work the next day and had an apple for breakfast: 

I couldn't make this up if I tried - that heart shape came out in one bite. F'Me. 

At this point of the story it probably feels magical but life doesn't work like that. At least not for me. 

So skipping this part of the story I will say that all was beautiful then it got messy - I was (am) messy. One Saturday I was particularly frustrated and thought maybe I'd drive to the church near where I use to live at the beach. I use to go and sit in front of this beautiful Mary statue and contemplate the divine. I had time they didn't  lock the doors until dusk. I drive an HOUR PLUS...the doors were locked. My frustration tripled....then it quadrupled...I sat in the parking lot talking to a mural of Mary wondering why I came all this way, what was the point? I pull into traffic and get cut off by this 

I was once again dumbstruck - I mean come on?! What are the f'n odds? There is an exactness to this note that I can't even begin to explain to anyone on the outside of this story. 

I suppose one can take that sign on faith. I'm trying to. But it's really hard. You'd have to understand more of the story and to be honest I'm way to fragile these days to share that much vulnerability right now. I can say this (again) I'm feeling like the the divine has...well...I'm just not sure I believe in signs anymore. Or happy endings. I mean really I suppose all I really wanted was a happy beginning...a place to start the mad adventure from. It just doesn't seem like those things are meant for me though.